I'm back...just in time for another police incident...

just arrived back in my little corner of the world, to my new house, and a police incident...first one car pulled up in front of the house, then another, and another, this just went on and on...i didn't know we had that many police cars in my little corner of the world! at first i was a little concerned they were here to see me, but no, they left their cars and walked down the street to who knows where...maybe there was a surprise party...a short time later, they all paraded back to their cars, sans goodie bags...i stood in the front window, folding my sexy boy shorts in the hope the cute little lesbian cop would be doing surveillance of my house...nope, she hopped into her car and left...my mind is running wild trying to come up with a crime, a good reason for her to come back to my house and frisk and strip search me...

so my latest confusion, there's "tai chi", but then there's "chai tea", wtf? it's all double dutch to me...and who names all these damn teas? or coffee for that matter...i just bought "kick ass coffee" from the kicking horse coffee company...i like it better at the market, the coffee lady takes all her scrap beans and leftovers at the end of the week and mixes them together and bags them...now that's a true coffee blend...kind of like mystery meat, or shit mix, when you take a little out of every liquor bottle in your parents house so as not to raise suspicion about missing booze...not that lulu ever did that...

must go...going to google some crime ideas as i am far too well behaved to think up any on my own...give me a week or two before you pitch in for bail...

well kids...i am still on my journey...had another bus driving job for a while...

...bon voyage...

hey kids...i'm off on an adventure...not that life here in my little corner of the world isn't an adventure...i'll try and send you postcards, until then, stay strong, fly the flag, cheers, lulu

...i popped my cherry...

it's official...i popped my cherry...with the slow cooker!!...it's one of those things that's in a grey area when it comes to my intellectual homemakers group...it's a timesaver, but it's not a secret...our motto is "never let on"...but with the slow cooker, many people know it's a timesaving/cheating/lazy way to cook...i picked the easiest recipe in the book and it had canned ravioli added at the end along with frozen peas...sounds tasty doesn't it?...the ravioli was as fake dumplings, so i figure it passes the test...

...the date for my hockey debut is looming, so i thought i would try on my gear...don't buy your gear from the thrift store!...thank god i tried it on here, because the game would be over before i was dressed if i hadn't had this dry run...the pants were for someone much slimmer than your little lulu, the shin pads for someone about a foot taller, the shoulder pads for someone aromatically challenged, and the face mask for someone with no chin and jaw...i figure when the opposition sees me, they will be laughing so hard that i'll be able to skate by them and score...i love that word, score...i haven't scored in so long, it's like i'm a born again virgin!

...it's personal...but i'm not shy...

well kids...lulu wants 2010 to be a year filled with vim and vigor...so...i decided to do a liver cleanse...i fasted for 6 hours then drank what seemed like a jug full of olive oil and lemon juice...i then went straight (as straight as i can get) to bed and lay on my right side for an hour with my knees curled up...today i was supposed to wake up pooping out the most exciting stuff, they even said you could put it in a pot and see the coolest things...well, i've waited all day and nothing has come out! what's with that? i have been running around in my astronaut diapers all day afraid to stray far from home...i took the buddha into the woods, but i couldn't find my "how to shit in the woods book", so i was playing fast and loose (oh i wish loose) with having to rely on memory if i had to go...why would they promise such results? it was even extra, extra, extra virgin olive oil...purest according to grandmama...

...i was thinking back to junior high school yesterday and i am amazed i can remember that far back...i went to 'pregnant hill'...half the girls in the class would take most of the semester off to have their babies...our sex education teacher was incompetent...she used to use chalk to draw ovaries on her dress...i think she just should have stressed how to defend those ovaries from the attacking sperm...our principal was a religious fanatic who used the school for some kind of freaked out rituals every weekend where they toss the people into a giant bucket of water...every monday that damn bucket would be in front of my locker...his nick name was hose nose...i should talk!...my band teacher was an old scottish guy who spent his life in military bands...we so lucked out with him...instead of being some strict, hard nosed stickler for the regimented life, he was a tippler, a really busy tippler...we used to order buses and throw our instrument cases in, hop on board and just ride around...band class with him should have counted as geography!!...

...and hot dog sales...lulu was in charge of hot dog sales...144 hotdogs every friday...we used to have to eat the leftover ones, so we used high pressure sales tactics...and home economics...that was cruel...boys were making tables and metal crafts, but girls were cooking food from the last century and then sewing a dress from the 1600's...now there were a few things that i didn't really care to eat, so i would quietly slip those ingredients into the trash...mrs. horton (no relation to tim of doughnut fame) would come and search the damn trash...i finally learned to pop the stuff into someone else's trash...i think that's what they mean by education...oh and those were the days of streaking...everyday at lunch a different guy would run across the sports fields and then spend a leisurely week at home on suspension...the guys liked to release the parking brakes off the cars of visitors, give them a little push and gleefully watch them roll down the hill...we stopped getting visitors to the school...and your lulu had to write lines...the worst one ever was five hundred of "while in this establishment of higher learning, i must refrain from keeping my physical education attire in the emerald clothing compartments"...sucks to be lulu...

...what's more dangerous...

i have a bewilderment...how come the traffic sign says "slow children playing"...shouldn't we be more afraid of FAST children playing??...i drive around the slow ones like traffic pylons, but the fast ones, crap, it's like having a rabbit run in front of your car!...that's all i was going to share with you today, but since i'm here, i'll chat on a little while longer...

....in my little corner of the world, i think it is much the same as out there when it come to traffic rules...the right lane is for slower cars and the left lane is for passing...but...what i notice, is that the left lane is also the 'rich people' lane...their fancy cars are just too special and too precious to drive in the 'peoples' lane, slow or not...it's ok, i just laugh...i see all these mazaratti's or whatever and their turn indicators don't appear to work...just think, all that money for a car and it's faulty...

...stu and jack were quite naughty when they went out in the car...one day they were pulled over by the police...stu was shifting jack's 'gearshift' when the police officer said, "What's going on here?" "We're fine officer, I am just trying to put this thing into reverse"..."Well put the clutch all the way in and try jiggling the stick back and forth a few times, sometimes it just needs a lube job."...only in my little corner of the world...

...G-spot is a myth...

ENGLAND

A sexual quest that has for years baffled millions of women — and men — may have

been in vain. A study by British scientists has found that the mysterious G-spot, the

sexual pleasure zone said to be possessed by some women but denied to others,

may not exist at all.

...i just read this little announcement...wtf?...kids i want you to pay heed to what i have to say...whether there really is a G-spot is neither here nor there...it's the search that counts...the adventure...santa may not exist, but we still seek him out at christmas...there may not be life on other planets, but we still actively search the heavens for it...never ever stop your quest for the G-spot...be like columbus (or is it captain kirk?) and boldly go where no man or woman has gone before...i believe...in santa, other life out there with us in space, and the G-spot...

...another little secret...

you can't tell a soul, or my name will be mud in my little corner of the world...but...i brought out the electric knife!...it's sacrilegious, i know, but crap, this baby's like 25 years old and still works like a hot damn!...it was actually a wedding gift...the year i got married the trendy gift was clocks...we got big clocks, little clocks, plain clocks, fancy clocks, and some gawd awful clocks...tangent!!...mary had a little watch, she swallowed it - it's gone, now everywhere that mary goes, time marches on!...sorry but i just love that...

...oh, the electric knife...the damn thing is so fast...your lulu used to be a fishmonger (the neighbourhood cats followed me everywhere) and after years of filleting fish, my parting gift from the neighbouring butchers was a huge carving knife and steel...now when you get a gift like that, from people that are missing fingers and toes, well...i like the electric knife...one guy had to count the fingers on one hand twice to make 10...scary...

...one thing that comes to mind about the electric knife is how quickly 'the husband' turned that manly carving job over to 'the wife'...like it wasn't big and scary anymore (the knife) or it made him less of a man...BUT...when it came down to power tools, oh no, they were too scary, and too powerful and too complicated and too dangerous for 'the wife'...she had to do the grunt work, it was easier and safer...well, even before my switch to the lesbian side of the fence, i learned that power tools were 'mans' best kept secret...well HELLO...when my husband wouldn't let me use his power tools (he always offered me his special little tool) i bought my own! well someone has been telling porky pies (that's cockney for lies)...power tools are safe, power tools are easy and power tools are fun!...i've noticed that women seem to unplug drills and saws before removing bits and blades...my friend audrey who works at the ER complains about the lack of work for stitches and the like, but says not to worry, men still do routinely show up to have other appendages reattached...

...back in the saddle again...

i hate to say it, but i am back to spending my time in bed...put my back out...what does that mean anyway? put it out...was it on fire?...did it have to be let out to pee?...it wouldn't be so bad, except breathing and blinking hurt, which means no toys to play with in bed...

...this has happened before to lulu...in my little corner of the world, we head straight to the chiropractor to be adjusted...i used to think i was 'well adjusted' but not any more...my last chiropractor had her office up 2 flights of stairs! figure that one out...i switched to a new one after it took me so long to get up the stairs with my gimped back, that her office was closed!...i hate walking about in public with a sore back...the little waddle and shuffle it takes to get around always invite the curious to ask questions...do you have a sore leg? did you hurt your back? are you stiff? i like to calm their curious minds by answering, "no, my hemorrhoid applicator is stuck up my ass"...the conversation usually ends there...

...happy new year and stuff...

...happy new year kids!!...do you ever wonder what happens to all those party hats and banners and noisemakers after new years eve?...well, in my little corner of the world, we recycle all that, including confetti! we painstakingly cut all the letters off banners and tiaras, rearrange them, and use them for any other occasion we can spell out with the letters...it's waste not, want not, here in my little corner of the world...

...i had a lovely dinner last night...raclette...it's a cheese lovers dream come true!! you eat cheese, cheese, cheese, and more cheese...i count my blessings every minute of every of everyday, that i am not lactose intolerant! i ate my way across europe, don't remember much about the people, but oh, i can remember the cheese...and the liquor...

...i had some lovely meals in france...nothing like a plateful of rare horsemeat (cooked rare, not from rare horses) covered with hot mustard with a side of pomme frites! i think they only eat the slow horses, hence the slow food movement...and fruit de mer...seafood lovers paradise...now this enjoyable platter is choc-a-bloc with all kinds of cooked and raw seafood...many places claim to serve this authentic dish, but very few places really are authentic...unfortunately, it is usually not clear until some of the slug like creatures start walking across the table that you know the establishment has messed up with the cooked and the raw stuff...

...greece is another lovely place to eat your way across...mind you they quite often carry in their new supply of lamb, hang it up in the middle of the restaurant over a sheet of plastic, and casually carry on with their business...not usually too bad, but in the places where they leave the head and tails on, i found seafood was a lot more appetizing...something about those beady eyes staring at me as i chewed through my souvlaki and dolmades set my appetite back a few notches...have a happy new year, and make this the year that you eat your way around the world, even if it's only through cook books...remember, all real living is eating...bon appetit!!