...it's personal...but i'm not shy...

well kids...lulu wants 2010 to be a year filled with vim and vigor...so...i decided to do a liver cleanse...i fasted for 6 hours then drank what seemed like a jug full of olive oil and lemon juice...i then went straight (as straight as i can get) to bed and lay on my right side for an hour with my knees curled up...today i was supposed to wake up pooping out the most exciting stuff, they even said you could put it in a pot and see the coolest things...well, i've waited all day and nothing has come out! what's with that? i have been running around in my astronaut diapers all day afraid to stray far from home...i took the buddha into the woods, but i couldn't find my "how to shit in the woods book", so i was playing fast and loose (oh i wish loose) with having to rely on memory if i had to go...why would they promise such results? it was even extra, extra, extra virgin olive oil...purest according to grandmama...

...i was thinking back to junior high school yesterday and i am amazed i can remember that far back...i went to 'pregnant hill'...half the girls in the class would take most of the semester off to have their babies...our sex education teacher was incompetent...she used to use chalk to draw ovaries on her dress...i think she just should have stressed how to defend those ovaries from the attacking sperm...our principal was a religious fanatic who used the school for some kind of freaked out rituals every weekend where they toss the people into a giant bucket of water...every monday that damn bucket would be in front of my locker...his nick name was hose nose...i should talk!...my band teacher was an old scottish guy who spent his life in military bands...we so lucked out with him...instead of being some strict, hard nosed stickler for the regimented life, he was a tippler, a really busy tippler...we used to order buses and throw our instrument cases in, hop on board and just ride around...band class with him should have counted as geography!!...

...and hot dog sales...lulu was in charge of hot dog sales...144 hotdogs every friday...we used to have to eat the leftover ones, so we used high pressure sales tactics...and home economics...that was cruel...boys were making tables and metal crafts, but girls were cooking food from the last century and then sewing a dress from the 1600's...now there were a few things that i didn't really care to eat, so i would quietly slip those ingredients into the trash...mrs. horton (no relation to tim of doughnut fame) would come and search the damn trash...i finally learned to pop the stuff into someone else's trash...i think that's what they mean by education...oh and those were the days of streaking...everyday at lunch a different guy would run across the sports fields and then spend a leisurely week at home on suspension...the guys liked to release the parking brakes off the cars of visitors, give them a little push and gleefully watch them roll down the hill...we stopped getting visitors to the school...and your lulu had to write lines...the worst one ever was five hundred of "while in this establishment of higher learning, i must refrain from keeping my physical education attire in the emerald clothing compartments"...sucks to be lulu...