...out to lunch...

...yesterday i was out to lunch, with friends...we went to a nice quiet english pub, just outside my little corner of the world...we were laughing, not excessively, in my opinion, but people would stare and look concerned...lately i notice this most everywhere i go, and it's not always me involved with the laughing...i think people no longer enjoy or appreciate laughter...not everyone, but take a look around next time you hear hearty laughter, and notice the reaction it gets from the people in the near vicinity...

...i find it quite disturbing that laughter is no longer in vogue...oh people laugh all the time on facebook or text messaging lol, lmao...maybe i just need to come up with a hand signal for laughter or maybe a nod and a wink...well, lulu is not going to fall in line, i am going to be an asshole and LAUGH OUT LOUD and LAUGH MY ASS OFF...maybe do both at the same time (i'm ambidextrous)!! maybe it's the 'prozac nation' thing, but if that's the case, did the 'prozac' kill the laughter, or did the laughter stop and have to be replaced by the 'prozac'?...

...not to worry...that was just the sound of me falling off my soapbox...well, once again the big underwear conversation came up...it seems to follow me everywhere i go...kind of like that clingy underwear that creeps up your butt as the day wears on...i used to just give up and walk around like i had a package hidden there...

...this time it was about women and what they wear ~ 'man panties' (boy shorts to girly grrrls), thongs, good old regular panties, or going commando (i would have thought that with all the gear they give commandos, underwear would have been in a pocket somewhere)...you'd be surprised who wears what...looks can be deceiving...i think underwear says something about your personality...it's the most intimate thing that your wear...you have to like how it feels, how it makes you feel...i think the 'assholes' out there in the world are people who don't have a good relationship with their underwear...take a moment right now, and really think about your relationship with underwear...if you don't feel good down there, 2010 is the year for you to head out on an underwear adventure...

...i used to be domesticated...

...hope you are starting to feel better as all that overeating shifts through your body...i got a super gift from my friends at "the international association of intellectual homemakers'...it's oil for my little burner and get this...it's called "air dried linen"...makes my house smell like i have just done heaps of ironing...god they are good!...

...before katie potato sprung from my loins, i had a long stretch of insomnia, so late in the wee hours, i would do ironing, obsessively...i ironed everything except socks...sometimes i put so much starch on the sheets they crackled when i climbed into bed and i walked a little funny from my stiff underwear (don't even go there, degenerates!)...

...well after my kp was born, there was no time for ironing, of anything...this lasted for quite a while, until katie potato went to nursery school and pointed to the play ironing board and asked, "mommy, what's that??"...nailed...so i ironed more frequently after that, but mostly only stuff the nursery school moms would see...that was my ticket into "the international association of intellectual homemakers"...

...losing at boxing day...

...happy dec 27th...yesterday was boxing day and in my little corner of the world, we do just that...BOXING! back in the day, i was a pretty skilled boxer, today, not so much...so your little lulu is sporting 2 black eyes and a fat lip...loser?...no kids, there are no losers (except richard simmons and he chooses to be!)...the nice thing is that today, there are no hard feelings, just love, love, love in my little corner of the world...

...i suppose all of you got some lovely gifts...my favourites are the ones you can find many more uses for, other than what they are 'marketed' for...check this out...

sweater defuzzer

"Nothing says old and worn like ugly pills on sweaters, knits, and mufflers (my mechanic never mentioned that before). Revitalize your wardrobe favourites with this magic de-fuzzer. It's powerful safety-shielded rotary blades remove pills and pulls in seconds without harming the knit (or the environment). Leaves garments smooth and re-newed. Features ergonomic design for easy handling, quick-empty pill tank and blade cover. Complete with elegant chrome bezel and a faceted crystal accent at the power button."

...doesn't come with a headlight but you can't expect them to think of everything...so, i figure i can use it for sweaters and the like, but my mind wanders and wonders, what else can i use this beauty for?...the easy one of course, is peaches (and kiwi fruit), then maybe my sideburns and hairy chin (i think it would take only the hair and leave the wrinkles intact), or did you ever know one of those people with a big, long, fat whisker poking out of a mole on their face? "here, let me get that for you"...probably intimate areas scheduled for hair removal (crap, no razor offers features like this!), taking the mould off bread and cheese...it boggles the mind...and my mother thought she only gave me a sweater de-fuzzer...

...there's no place like homo for the holidays...

good morning...i actually slept last night! the night before, not so much...i think it's because i got into my latest literary acquisition, "caffeine for the creative mind"...christmas is such a gay time..."don we now our gay apparel"..."make the yuletide gay"...amen sister..."there's no place like homo for the holidays"..."i'll be homo for christmas"...oh, sorry, typos...still, i love hearing and seeing people who usually find 'gay' offensive, singing merrily along with a happy smile on their face...it's not so difficult...peace on earth, in my lifetime, please...xox

it's a wrap...

...'tis the season of scotch tape and ribbon, gift wrap and tags...in my little corner of the world, i've got christmas all wrapped up...one slight glitch on my end...i am impotent...when it comes to wrapping...oh i have tried every paper, tape, ribbon and folding style known to exist in this and that world, and still not been able to get the job done...never have i experienced, even once, that wonderful japanese feeling of origasmi paper folding...

...i no longer need to fill in the 'from' section on my gift tags...it's blatantly obvious when a gift comes from me...i like to imagine that the recipient looks at the wrap and considers it some kind of modern art or eccentricity, but i know that in my little corner of the world, the cat's out of the bag so to speak...lulu is all thumbs, just like sissy hankshaw in 'even cowgirls get the blues'...

...what kind of gift unwrapper are you? do you painstakingly untie the ribbon, take the pen knife and carefully cut the seams to keep the paper in it's pristine state? or do you violently stretch that ribbon off and tear at the paper with reckless abandon?...

...names of places...

...i like to know how places came to be named and the origins of names...so when i travelled outside of my little corner of the world to go tubing down the river...the cowichan river...well...

couch in river...

...family dinners...

i was just thinking about family dinners ......in my little corner of the world, when i was growing up, we had sunday dinners at grandmama's house...she was a remarkable cook and we had lovely dinners...until after desert when the games came out...oh my god...grandmama, would cheat, blatantly cheat, and god help anybody who called her on it...we finally learned that losing has a time and a place, and for us, this was it...

...there were many times as we were growing up, that my brother and i would end up for dinner with grandmama and pop...she would have the table set, with seating for 12, and sit my brother and i at one end with her, and pop at the head of the table, surrounded by 8 empty chairs...now pop was getting hard of hearing after all those years spent riding the fire truck, so the conversation never reached him...i finally found the good sense that after dinner was served, i would take my whole dinner set up with me, and move down to pop at the other end of the table...i would occasionally wave and nod back down the length of the table much to the displeasure of grandmama...she may have been surrounded by all her crystal finery at the other end, but pop and i were right smack next to the liquor cabinet...we had some dandy chats at the far, far away end of the table...

...when grandmama no longer was up to cooking, we went out for dinner every sunday...scary...we would book the reservations under a different name every week, so as to be allowed back at some time in the future...she was lethal...absolutely nothing was ever right with her, or with her food...and she very clearly let them know just what those problems were...at the end of the evening, we would leave a hefty tip as an apology to the servers and staff...

...well one day, grandmama wanted to treat us to dinner...she was the poster girl of bad behavior, and the waitress who drew the short straw and got our table was very obviously expecting a baby...never in my life have i seen a waitress be put through what she was...she was basically told that her baby had better be a girl...and what names had been picked out, and why don't you call 'her' blanety blank?...all on top of grandmama's infamous behavior...now grandmama was no tipper so as we left the restaurant i said to my father, "don't worry, i went and left the waitress a big tip"..."no, i left the waitress a big tip" and my brother chimes in, "i left the waitress a big tip"...that sweet girl earned every penny...

...it's not what you think...really...

it's not what you think...really...i didn't fall back into bed for the day again...i missed yesterday because i was in the slammer!!...my lawyer has told me not to speak of the matter while it is before the courts...

...actually...lulu was arrested once...not arrested - held for questioning...and certainly not in my little corner of the world...i'm sure it was just a big misunderstanding or something...maybe a case of mistaken identity...but scary none the less...

...my co-accused, actually the accused, since i was only held for questioning and not arrested, is in heaven now, no- it wasn't the electric chair, so i will speak of the incident...i was just sitting on the couch, minding my own business when BANG! the door bursts open and these guys with guns drawn barge in...scared the shit out of me...maybe more like i was sure i was peeing my pants (flare leg levis, the style at the time)...then this guy starts frisking me and says he is looking for my 'luger'...i thought he was perverted or something...i had absolutely no idea what 'my luger' was, but if it was anything like my g-spot, good luck finding it!...

...next i was handcuffed to my friend...me 5'9" tall, her 5'2" with the same hands, which meant while we rode in the shiny police car (sans siren), my arm was out of it's socket to reach across to her...on arrival at the station, (thankfully women's equality was only just starting to kick in) there was no angie dickinson (google it kids) kinda cop there, so i didn't get strip searched...oh and i was allowed to pee by myself, although by that time i don't think i would have cared who was watching...

...the 'chatting' began with the 'good cop', everybody's friend, kinder and sweeter than a little old lady...only too soon to be followed by the 'bad cop'...oh it is so true kids...good cop, bad cop...i would think they should give you the 'bad cop' first and then you would be so glad to be with your new friend, the 'good cop' ,that you would willingly spill the beans...not that i had any beans to spill...

...now at that very hour, i was supposed to be picking my aunt up at work, so mr. bad cop phones her and says, "your niece has been arrested and won't be coming to pick you up, you'll have arrange another ride home"...to which my aunt gleefully replied, "oh, good one, who is this?" bc "it's sgt. bad cop from the police department" aunt, "you're too funny...almost had me there..." bc "this IS sgt. bad cop from the police dept.!" aunt "no really, you're good...now tell lulu i'll see her when she gets here"....i thought mr. bad cop was going to explode, he was mad as hell!...he then held the receiver in front of my face and said tell her you won't be picking her up, which i did and he then slammed down the receiver...i expected to be tied to a chair after that, but he just left...and then after leaving me sitting in a room by my self for an hour, the 'good cop' entered and said "we have no business with you, you're free to go"...whew...by the way, where is my luger?? 'feloniuosly' yours, lulu

...hair...

...do you remember the song "hair"? it was like late '60's, and most people knew it because the 'cowsills' (what kind of name is that?) sang it on the am radio (as opposed to fm)...but...it was really from the broadway musical "HAIR"...

...great auntie nonie wanted to buy us a record so she happily picked up "hair", but it wasn't the 'cowsills', nope, it was freaked out, drugged out, sexed out, hippies...and we loved it!...thankfully my sister was old enough to realize the opportunity that had been dropped in our laps, so she quickly filed it with all the happy records and we only listened to it when the 'rents were out of the house...

...we should have charged admission to all the kids we had in to listen over the years...it was a treasure, that's for sure...it had words i still don't know the meaning of, yet sang along to for years...never at home mind you...and it got me thinking about hair...as i was drying 'the buddha' (i can call him that again, as is fur is growing back and he's not so embarrassed anymore) thoughts of hair, all kinds of hair popped into my head...

...hair really is a personal sort of thing, whether it's your own or somebody elses...i would like to see the same standards and expectations applied across the gender spectrum...it would be a kinder, sweeter world, if everybody shaved their armpits...and legs, and definitely moustaches (come on brenda, at least get it waxed!) beards are quite dirty, crap, you can track a man's last three meals on his beard! (same goes for the beard brenda)...hair doesn't belong on backs and people who flaunt it should have it singed off (just a word of warning brenda)...i mean, if homo sapiens (don't you just love it that we are all homos) were supposed to have hairy backs, we would still have tails and swing from trees...you know, the fact that we eat bananas is worrying to me...

...now, i keep my eyes shut in the change room and shower at the pool, so i don't know what style people are going with when it comes to the short and the curlys...i especially keep my eyes closed in the men's change room...those things scare me!!...but, my friends at the day spa say that waxing is in, and bare is what to wear in my little corner of the world...waxing hairy men does kind of make up for not experiencing the pain of childbirth...maybe i'll book a time at the day spa, just to go and watch...they have a great rate for spectators...

...i got out of bed today kids, just for you...

...i got out of bed today kids, just for you!...no...the batteries died...still, i could have turned to old fashioned wind up toys, and i didn't...

...i ran into an old friend, and remembering other old friends, took me back to childhood and the next door neighbours...my brother was extremely well behaved and ever so polite...those genes never filtered down to me, as many of you will attest to...when he was just a wee tot, the teenager next door was named norma, and i guess she was yelled at a lot, so he came to believe that 'norma' was a swear word...when he got really cheesed off he would shout "you norma!!"...and feel much better about everything...

...so what is it with swearing anyway, who decides, besides my dear late father xox, just what is swearing?...we got spanked for swearing when i was a kid and let me tell you, there were a lot more swear words then, than there are now...but really, what is it that makes a word 'bad'?...in this politically correct minefield we walk through now, tons of words that can be plain and simple, also get interpreted as hate if put in the wrong context...i think that's why i like the word fuck...there are no people named fuck, no people from fuck, etc. so really why is fuck a swear word, a 'bad' word?...

...i say fuck a lot when i am tired...it seems to appear in my conversation like it had a mind of it's own, even when i'm writing...i tend not to go back and pretty my writing up, clean it up, so there it stays...in speech, i think i say fuck, fucking, fuckin', fucked like an oral exclamation mark, like it will pull out the energy and emphasis that my other words just don't seem to project...

...kids, think about what it is that you say, either out loud or to yourself (or even on paper like me), when you 'lose it'...why do you say that? does it feel good? is it bad? is it nasty? shocking? need to have your mouth washed out with soap?...now what the fuck is that all about? washing the dirty words away? 'too late mommy, they are gone, and if anything needs washing now, it would be YOUR ears'...my parents saved soap for the really dirty bits, like hands, feet and bums ('bum, bum'...that was a swear word in lulu's little corner of the childhood world)...do i just curse, or am i cursed?

...i know...i don't need any comments from the peanut gallery...

...i know...another day passed where i didn't get out of bed...but crap, you only live once...the batteries will wear out soon...so today i am sharing photos from my trip to altamont (not in my little corner of the world) and as you will see, things are a little different, a little slower...

...here we go...

i am starting off with the altamont united church...because...the road to heaven is paved with good intentions...i don't start out looking for trouble...it just kind of finds me...

as you can see, there is a bat on this sign...well, altamont has one day that's completely devoted to bats...the townspeople gather in the curling rink (in the summer when there's no ice) and mark a grid on the floor...then, they set up picnic tables and around the outside of the rink and start to party...they serve bat in every manner of cooking...hot wings, bat pot pie, bat kabobs, bat in apsic, pickled bat's feet, bat wraps, 'batchos' and 'guanamole', you name it...people buy sections of the grid and the first spot to get bat shit wins the big prize...it's an exciting day that the townsfolk look forward to all year...

this is the inside of the altamont hotel bar...i stayed there one night when i had one beer and a juice too many and i was too heavy to cart out the door...

they don't have phones here in altamont, so people go to the bar and write a note on the ceiling for their friends and family to see...

as with most modern towns, smoking must take place outside of the bars and restaurants, so here is the altamont smoking sectional...

this is a photo of my nephew barney who lives in altamont...he's the best child, good as gold...barely hear a peep out of him...altamont definitely is a quiet place...

and lastly, no trip to altamont would be complete without seeing the world's biggest rubber ducky...bert told me that ernie has wet dreams about this one...

...i'm so creeped out...

oh kids...today i went to google maps and entered my cousin's address, and oh my god!! if you select street view, it practically looks in the bedroom window!! thank god we don't let those google stalker creeps in my little corner of the world!...

...my friend anais was so right about big brother...but what is creepy is it's not the government watching you...it's people like me! right in my cousin's bedroom window (nothing exciting happens in there anyway...not that i would know)...so i suppose i have lost all of you to google maps now to start your own hobby of cyber stalking...probably wouldn't be so bad if they would let you know they were coming before they show up...the stuff you can see through some peoples' windows...i can only imagine...love is blind but not the neighbours......or those google cyber stalkers!...

...the only glimpse i want you to get of my little corner of the world, is what i share with you here...

...a nasty habit...

...oh kids...i am so sorry i didn't write yesterday...i'll be honest with you...between bed rest and wearing the nun outfit, i have developed a nasty habit...i stay in bed most of the day and amuse myself...yesterday, i just never bothered to leave that and get out of bed... and today is hanukkah

(happy hanukkah!!!) and because i make a point of not leaving my glue gun near the bed, i haven't made my menorah...or decorated or anything...

...if you haven't yet noticed, my mind does indeed tend to wander...today i was remembering a trip with my father in my younger days, when the two of us hit "the continent" (that's europe), incontinent - that's something completely different...we ended up the first night in brussels, the city famous for not only it's baby cabbages, but famous for something far more precious as well...Manneken Pis...

...belgium is not known for keeping secrets...we all know about their chocolate, waffles, brussel sprouts, and to the observant, fries with mayonnaise, but...the secret they keep is manneken pis...

Manneken Pis (help·info) (Dutch for little man urinating), also known in French as the petit Julien, is a famous Brussels landmark. It is a small bronze fountain sculpture depicting a naked little boy urinating into the fountain's basin. It was designed by Jerome Duquesnoy and put in place in 1618 or 1619.

...it's not often in my little corner of the world that we hear about belgium, or what the people living there are up to, but i for one am ready to find out once and for all...i was 16 years old the first time i was there, so i was a bit naive...but these people must be having the time of their lives, everyday, all day...you absolutely have to check this out!

ELVIS

MOZART

BADEN POWELL

FIELD HOCKEY

CARNIVAL

ST. PATRICK'S BRIGADE

DIABLADA

TIBETAN MONK

NELSON MANDALA

REPORTER

GAY PRIDE

...any place with people that can have this much fun and not take themselves so fucking seriously, is a place i want to go...i thought life was a breeze in my little corner of the world, but WOW!!! Belgium kicks ass!!...

...merry, merry, quite contrary...

...merry, merry, quite contrary...i do try to be merry, really i do...to prove it, i thought i would break with tradition, let the cat out of the bag so to speak, and share a bit of how we celebrate in my little corner of the world...i will carry on with the 3 kings, no, not more queries, just celebrating stuff...

...ok, so january 6 is epiphany (3 kings day) that's the day we move the 3 kings over to the manger to see the wee baby...we bake a cake that day and we put a broad bean in it...whoever gets the broad bean gets to be king for a day, or at stu and jack's house, queen for a day...oh no wait, at their house someone always is queen for a day, a very long day...when i am short on cake i change it, so that whoever gets the broad bean gets to be housecleaner for a day...makes that cake go a lot farther!...so here's the recipe for 3 kings cake...

you will need:

250g butter or (margarine...NOT)

250g sugar

4 eggs

125g glace cherries, halved

100g chopped nuts

250g self rising flour (resurrection flour)

grated behind of lemon

pinch of cinnamon

1 dried bean

1 tbsp. melted honey for glazing the cake

Grease and line a 30 cm tin. Cream the butter and sugar together and stir in the well beaten eggs. (as opposed to the just worked over ones). Sift the flour and cinnamon and gradually fold into the mixture, alternately with the cherries and nuts and lemon behind. Add the bean. Pour into the prepared tin and bake at 160 C (325 F) for 1.5 - 2 hours, until a skewer comes clean.

Leave in the tin for 15 minutes before turning out on a wire rack. Glaze the cake with the melted honey. Make a crown from a strip of gold card (or use your real crown, princess) Crown the cake before serving.

...this is our nativity scene...katie potato made these figures (mary has alopecia...maybe a B-12 deficiency)...jesus doesn't get to go to the stable until dec. 25 at 2:37 am, the time he sprung from mary's loins...at about 11:30 pm christmas eve, we give mary her epidural, and then all is calm and all is bright...12 days later...surprise! the 3 kings, bearing gifts (that 'bearing' word makes mary cringe)...

....rise and shine...

hi kids...rise and shine...sorry i didn't write to you yesterday...i overslept...that's what happens when a girl has all day to amuse herself in bed...once again i am filled with questions...this time regarding the three kings, the three wise men, the magi...

...first off, i am going to show you this year's christmas card...most of you won't be getting one, so i'm not spoiling anything for you...

the three kings

...now, there's no question these guys are whiter than 'wonder bread' right?...it varies greatly out there, but the general consensus is that:

there were 3 kings...all points bulletin...

Balthazar ~ white male, late sixties, 5'6"average build, long white hair and beard, a little hard of hearing, carrying a box of gold, following the eastern star or may be heading home to arabia ~

Caspar ~ male, late fifities, about 5' 10", slim build, ruddy complexion, long dark hair and beard, carrying a chalice of frankincense, following the eastern star or may be heading home to india ~

Melchior ~ black male late fifties, 6' tall, 200 lbs., long black hair and beard, well spoken, carrying a chalice of myrrh, following the eastern star or may be heading home to persia ~

...not quite the picture i have on my card...so...i looked at the three kings that i have for this years epiphany...

the three kings

...i've got the black king now, but there is no old white haired king, although to me, the short king looks older than the rest...Balthazar is supposed to be carrying the gold, not Caspar...the nice thing about these kings is that i can pull out the acrylics and make them look right...although they will still be carrying the wrong gifts...

the three kings/the three wise men/the three wise guys...larry, curley, and moe

...ok, i've got my black king carrying the right gift, but my old man has no hair, and my ruddy man has no gift...what's with that?...

...doesn't it make you wonder who decides all these things? what inspires a person to take artistic license with the nativity? what happened to the three kings? did they turn around and go home because there was no room at the inn? or had a few people checked out by the time they got there?...

...my mind likes to wander off and wonder things...if the three kings were going to the birth of the child of light today, they would be carrying an american express gold card, glade plug-in air freshener, and formaldehyde...oh and following a garmin gps...and they would have definite reservations for hotel rooms booked through expedia...

...bed rest day 3...

...screw bed rest...i may stay in bed, but i am going to amuse myself here all day long...so before i am otherwise engaged...i will share one of my best christmas secrets with you...to you, in your corner of the world, from me, in my little corner of the world...first, hide the kids...no! that's not the secret, although i have tried that and it works...for a while...i mean don't let the kids read this...

...take several sheets of newspaper, put a folded garbage bag under for protection from leaks, and pour out a can of black beans on to the papers (not refried beans, or the kids will think the reindeer are lactose intolerant)...it looks exactly like reindeer poop!! if you're like me, and enjoy freaking the kids out, pick some up and pop it in your mouth (NB. always confirm that the stuff in your hands is black beans and not real reindeer poop ~ the real stuff smells a little different and tastes AWFUL!)...

...so, i pull the plug on my connection to your corner of the world and retire to bed, in my little corner of the world, to amuse myself...as always...lulu xox

...bed rest day 2...

...first off, no...i did not have a bungy jumping accident (although i am trying to keep up the nerve to go bungy jumping next valentines day...it's free if you go naked, and what a practical way to be when it scares the shit out of me)...just a virus...i think i caught it from my computer, i heard you can get viruses that way...so, short of taking 'stephen' (the buddha) and his sister out to pee and poop...i am lying on my mattre$$ today...

...you have never seen anything like 'stephen' (the buddha) when he has to decide where to park his poop...it's like he's investing millions of dollars in an apartment complex so it all boils down to location, location, location...fussy!...i knew i should have toilet trained him...shoulda, coulda, woulda...

...bed rest...

...lulu's sick in bed today...but, before you feel sorry for me, check out my mattress...

...life is lucrative in my little corner of the world...

...hammacher schlemmer...

...hammacher schlemmer..."Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 161 years."...i discovered this treasure trove of 'the best, the only, and the unexpected' over 20 years ago, thankfully before computers were the rage, or internet was rolling along...i say thankfully, because going to their website, while it may show and describe items, is not nearly as amazing as looking through their catalogues, which they will gladly mail out, even to my little corner of the world...a lot of their stuff is outrageous and over the top...who would buy that? who can afford that?....like "the junior 35 mph 2/3 scale corvette" $32,000 or "the her majesty the queen's rocking horse" $15,000 or "the 13 mph ridable cooler" $499.95 yes, three wheeled electric RIDABLE cooler!...

...but to me some stuff is so kickass and they carry a lot of items to assist with medical conditions...from "the authentic james t. kirk captain's chair" at $2,900 to "arthritis pain relieving gloves" at $49.95...other notable items..."the telekinetic obstacle course" $99.95 ~ "the bottle of wine glass" $24.95 holds a whole bottle so makes a great gift for the lush in your life ~ "the marshmallow shooter" $24.95 yes, it shoots marshmallows, admit it, you've always wanted one ~ "the personal oxygen bar" $299.95 ~ "the ferrari xx pedal car" $3000, carries up to 300lbs. ~ "the animatronic singing and talking elvis" only $129.95! it's tempting ~ "the world's largest crossword puzzle 7' by 7' " $29.95 ~ "the best nose hair trimmer" $24.95 a liitle too personal of a gift in my litle corner of the world ~ "the undercover cat teaser" $29.95 i was married to one of these for 10 years!...

...and "the upside down tomato garden" $79.95 ...i tried growing my regular tomato plants upside down and they decided to bend in half and grow towards the sun...maybe you need australian tomato plants to grow down under...i knew of 'some kids' who told their great auntie nonie that the marijuana plants on the patio were australian tomato plants, to which 87 year old auntie nonie replied, "they look just like marijuana!"...sucks to be lulu no, i mean sucks to be 'some kids'...

...what ever happened to...

...if you're like me, you must be wondering what happened to gumby and polkey...well, after much research and wild goose chases, i have the answer...

mahatma gumbhi...

man of peace

...polkey...unfortunately did not fare so well...actually polkey was a she...her entertainment career ended when her looks faded, so she went into the hormone business...when urinary incontinence forced her to retire...she turned into a recluse and sadly, ended up consumed by the restaurant industry...

...when we were little tykes, we would ask our father for a pony and he would gladly reply, "you've got it kiddo!"...then he would run to the store and pick each of us up a can of dr. ballard's dog food...horsemeat..."here you are...pony in a can"...and you wonder why i am in therapy...

lulu with her brother

and sister...the 60's were

full of nerdy pictures in my

little corner of the world...

...pink freud, the wine, not the album...

well kids...in my little corner of the world we like our wine 'punny'...like tonight, a nice blush (what's with that?) wine called 'pink freud'...nice name, nice colour (if 'blush' does it for you)...but it tastes a bit 'freud'...a little different...not like all the others...doesn't appeal to everyone...as opposed to 'pink floyd'...they appeal to eveyone in my little corner of the world...today i had what we here like to call a "meltdown"...no...i didn't tear out my hair, no...i didn't take the name of the lord in vain (what the hell does that mean, anyways, and is it vain or vein??)...nope, i just had hissy fits trying to rehang my curtains, or they might be drapes...i can never tell them apart...after stepping back and taking the buddha, oh, i mean 'stephen', out to poop on the neighbours lawn, i felt much better...i finally got my left 'klompen' off without the loss of too much flesh...a neighbour of mine just planted 700 gloves of garlic...we don't expect "twilight" in my little corner of the world anytime soon...and so, after much conversation with 'pink freud' i don't blame my mother and i am anal retentive...ask anyone, they will tell you i am full of shit!! love and stuff, lulu xox

...i'm so excited i could scream (but every time i do, the neighbours call the rescue squad)...

...i am so excited i could scream (but every time i do, the neighbours call the rescue squad)...after keeping my legs and fingers crossed (grandmama's method of birth control) hoping for good luck, it has happened...one of the biggest days of my life...today, i got my first big girl pair of wooden shoes...i was one of the last people in my little corner of the world to get some...i felt so left out when my feet didn't klomp (klompen...dutch for wooden shoes) when i walked down the street...not now though...one slight technical difficulty though...i can't get the left one off...even the crisco hasn't worked...dennis has offered to chisel away at it, but i think i'll just lop off a little bit of foot...

look at those beauties...the shoes

aren't too shabby either...

my feet are so photogenic...

st. nicholas is going to be so

cheesed off (gouda in case you

were wondering) about these...

he'll need to double the goodies

to fill up this good girl's shoes...

....lulu's new (sexual) revolution...

...cocktail partying always end up with the conversation at some point turning to who's 'gay' and who's 'straight'...oh and for my friend jeanette, the worst of all, this freaks her right out...who is 'bi'...in my little corner of the world, we think all people are all things and it just comes down to who you love...

...i am tired of terms and labels used to describe a person's sexuality...but, since i can't seem to make that change, i am adding to the problem, with a solution, so at least if someone is getting labeled for their sexuality, it is a little more specific and has a few more categories...and, because i had the highest mark (99%) in my medical terminology class at the college, i feel i am more than qualified to perform this task...

aer(o) - air, gas - aerosexual ~ does the sexual version of air guitar...most often performs alone...

articul(o) - joint - articulosexual ~ wants only very flexible sexual partners, a lot of circus performers fall into this group...

blephar(o) - eyelid - blepharosexual ~ will only particpate in sex if ALL eyes are closed, that means of all participants, all photos and paintings on the walls, and all pets, including fish...

chlor(o) - denoting a green colour - chlorosexual ~ is only attracted to people wearing all green, the irish, martians, or alligator purses...

dynam(o) - force, energy, power - dynamosexual ~ is too much for most people, has a 'hard' time finding partners strong enough to last their charge...

ect(o) - outside - ectosexual ~ will only participate in sexual relations out of doors (these people frequently get rashes and ant bites)...

halluc - to wander in mind - hallucosexual ~ a person who only has imaginary sex...not to be confused with masturbation, which is alone sex outside of your head...

myc(o) - fungus - mycosexual ~ only sexually attracted to mushrooms...these people spend a lot of time in the dark and damp and usually have a slight manure smell to them...

normo - normal - normosexual ~ normal sexuals...whatever the hell that is!!...

pachy - thick - pachysexual ~ i don't know if this is an attraction to people that are a bit thick, or whether they like to have sex with elephants...

poly - a duality - polysexual ~ is only sexually attacted to twins...

pseudo - false or fake - pseudosexual ~ only attracted to people who fake the big one (think when harry met sally)...

quadr(i) - four - quadrisexual~ will only have sex in foursomes...

scoli(o) - twisted - scoliosexual ~ your classic pervert...

therm(o) - heat - thermosexual ~ only participates in hot sex...

xen (o) - foreign, different - xenosexual ~ only has sex with foreigners or oddballs...

...so those of you who like to wear or give labels, here are some new and exciting options for you, and i think you may have to get to know a person a little better before you can accurately label them...all real living is meeting...

...the buddha got shaved, really shaved...

...well kids, the buddha got shaved, really shaved...i won't post any photos as he is quite embarrassed about it... he has taken to wearing dark glasses and a floppy hat...i think he's more embarrassed that he doesn't have the twins anymore...used to be pretty cocky (no pun intended) when he had jimmy and the twins swinging in the breeze for all to see...since he got neutered ( i told him he was going to go to the vets to get 'tutored'...not quite the lesson he was hoping for!)...i think he feels he has lost one, well two actually, of his dominant features...still, jimmy is no small fry, looks like a 5th leg or a tail, no, it's bigger than his tail, must be a 5th leg!...

...gone are the days when he would swagger into the vets to see the semen collector...what kind of job is that anyway..."hi honey, i'm home...oh, work was great, i jerked off 6 dogs today, how was your day?"...anyway, now that he isn't making donations at the vet, he's not keen on going there. he'll never go back now, because there is only one thing left to 'snip'...maybe dr. wannemaker can help him get through this tough time...she's a bitch!...just kidding dr. w...xox

ps...the buddha has just requested that until his hair has grown back, i am to call him 'stephen'...

...i got a new outfit yesterday...

...i got a new outfit yesterday...basic black, with a little white around the face...almost wore it to parent teacher interviews last night but...i couldn't find my rosaries!...it's a habit...a nasty habit...how cool would that have been for me to show up at parent teacher interviews in a nun costume!! the answers that i could have received from the kind of questions i would have asked would have been stunning...and oh so honest...i may take to wearing the outfit when i am not in my little corner of the world...most people here know me well enough to realize hell would have to freeze over before 'they' would let me become a nun...utter nunsense!...

Our Lady of Immaculate Misconception

...oscar wilde is my hero...

hey kids...i took a quiz to find out which crazy writer i am most like and it's...Oscar Wilde!!!

he's my hero...this is so kick-ass!! here's what it said:

"You are funny, witty, charming...and have um, "unique" personal tastes. You like to have fun, you don't hide who you are, and you don't particularly give a damn what people think about you; you're just as likely to be seen in an all-male Amsterdam brothel as a London literary society dinner. You see beauty in life, and humour in tragedy. If it weren't for the hosts' fears of you saying or doing something indecent, you might very well be the perfect dinner companion."

...i see a resemblance...

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

"True friends stab you in the front."

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world."

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train."

"Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one."

"Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess."

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about."

"There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathize with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life's sores the better."

...more photo journalism from my little corner of the world...

...more photo journalism from my little corner of the world...

mr. gnomie...making mushrooms

we don't have helmet laws

here so many people wear

boxes on their heads...

this is where the

'nakeds' live...

our local gingerbread house...

the last local kids caught

eating here, were never seen

or heard from again...

one of the many local

marshmallow farms to be

found in my little corner

of the world...

we don't have anything quite

like stonehenge here, so we

improvise...

mother nature's barcode...

the back forty...

...every day is a holiday in my little corner of the world...

...when most people think of december special days, the first thought is christmas...but december is full of special days...some are quite serious and remind us that we still do have our work cut out for us in all corners of the world...others, not so much...i happened to come across one of our reference books from our 'international association of intellectual homemakers' library, and you may be shocked to know it is, "heloise...hints for all occasions"...we like to peruse it for her ideas, and then come up with kick ass plans that blow hers out of the water!!..so, i will give you a list of holidays for december, some require your care and effort to make every corner of this world a better place for all...others require only a happy outlook on life, as oscar wild put it, "life's far too mysterious to be taken seriously!"

december 1, 2009

...world aids day ~ started on december 1, 1988, world aids day is about raising money, increasing awareness, fighting predjudice, and improving education. the theme for 2009 is "Universal Access and Human Rights". world aids day is important in reminding people that HIV has not gone away and there is still much to be done.

december 4, 2009

...according to 'the virtual vine', this is national cookie day AND wear brown shoes day! if you don't wear brown shoes, you can't have any cookies...

december 6, 2009

...st. nicholas ~ this is the day everybody gets chocolate letters of their initials (according to ernest, but who would argue with that?)...if you are good (who's the judge of that?) you will find treats in your wooden shoes...bad? coal or salt...horrible?...road apples from st. nicholas' horse...

december 7, 2009

...the birthday of marie tussaud, creator of madame tussaud's wax museum...this is the day you finally go and get that brazilian wax you've been longing for...

december 8, 2009

...the birthday of mexican mural artist diego rivera (on again, off again husband of freida kahlo, now she was one kick ass - i mean 'darling' - woman) it's tacos all around today!

december 11, 2009

...hanukkah ~ a jewish celebration, commonly known as 'the festival of lights'...with the lighting of the menorah, traditional festive foods, and games of dreidel...

december 12, 2009

...again, according to 'the virtual vine', today is national poinsettia day (did you ever notice how they lace this poisonous plant all over old folk's homes?) and national ding-a-ling day...in my little corner of the world, we bake poinsettia cookies for the ding-a-lings as they missed out on cookies on 'wear brown shoes day'...

december 14, 2009

...on this day in 1911, the south pole was discovered (i'll let you in on a little secret, there is no pole there, it's just an urban myth), and in 1929, the first miniature golf course opened (not at the south pole)...personally, i find mini-golf, as we call it in my little corner of the world, lacks appeal without that 19th hole!

december 16, 2009

...the anniversary of the boston tea party (yanks still can't make tea) but, more importantly, to ernest at least, it is "chocolate covered anything day"...let your imagination run wild, ernest does...

december 21, 2009

...the birthday of frank zappa (father of moon unit and dweezel)...this is the day all food must be cooked in the microwave...zapped!

december 25, 2009

...happy birthday jesus!!...it's national pumpkin pie day in america...in my little corner of the world we have cake, christmas cake, for the birthday party...

december 26, 2009

...it's boxing day...and kwanzaa...

december 28, 2009

...national chocolate day (do you notice a pattern developing here...it's like every day is chocolate day...what's with that ernest??) oh and it's national playing card day as well...

december 31, 2009

...new years eve...no chocolate!!

...so kids...you thought you only had christmas shopping left to do...guess again? at least you can get most of your gifts from ernest...but do not despair...katie potato and i came up with a sure fire "to the front of the line" plan for shopping...we wear surgical masks and cough our brains out...those lines part faster than the red sea...cheers, lulu

ah, ho, ho, ho....

this christmas card is from japan

circa the '60's.....my favourite part...

they took their shoes off before they

went into the 'stable'...

...gotta love japan...

...role play...or is it roll play...

...it's happened yet again...i've been invited to star in another play in my little corner of the world...i graciously (i don't even know what that means) declined...i'm not a thespian, i'm a lespian, but if i was a thespian, i'm sure one of my personalities would like to read for a part...

...i'm not sure if you are aware or not, but i am trying to make the hockey comeback in my little corner of the world...even all-stars have to work their way back to the top...thank god i still have the 'touch' and don't have to claw my way up, because (another confession)...i bite my nails...so i watch hockey and i go practice everyday at lunch...

...there is a real hierarchy to 'drop in' hockey...almost as bad as surfing...if you don't know the rules of etiquette in surfing, let me just say, the dogfish will be nibbling on any parts that are left over...back to 'drop in' hockey...at one end are the adept players (i let them believe they are) involved in 'shinny'...in the middle is kind of a hockey purgatory...and the other end are the 'kinder, gentler' players...i stay with the k/g chaps...there is me...the lone woman, a man that goes around and around and around at a walk kind of pace, and nevers stops...not til the zamboni man honks his horn...there are 3 indo canadian guys, who rock at ball hockey but skating is not their forte...i try not to breathe too hard so as not to knock them over...last and unfortunately not least, are these little pirhannas (they must be surfers who wear water wings) who are about 3 years old and are some kind of sidney crosby clones...they are worse than mad dogs...chase me everywhere...i swear if they didn't have face masks on they would be chewing on my ankles...

...this year, right after st. nicholas, i am going to celebrate hanukkah...i have had trouble finding all the necessary items...the liquidators had "happy hanukkah" banners, gift tags and cookie cutters, and then i found 'hanukkah crackers' at a local store...when you pull them open there is a dreidel and a paper yamulke (hat) inside...but a menorah, that's hard to come by in my little corner of the world...so, i googled menorah and found the ultimate craft...no matches, never needs to be replaced, will last you forever...

http://www.tamponcrafts.com/menorah.html

...where there's a will there's a way...whoda thunkit??...

...another saturday in my little corner of the world..

well...another saturday in my little corner of the world...so...after my porridge i headed for the market...they could almost have it as a drive through, because at this time of the season, there are very few vendors left...but...because of that...i finally noticed the sock monkeys!!!...too much fun...i bought a black one as a gift, just to make colonel sanders happy...the sock monkey lady was so kick ass!..spot on, sock monkey lady, spot on!!!...

...now kids...lulu is getting on in age and i worry that i am letting some of life's adventures pass me by...so...i stopped in to the local day spa...just for information...the lady at the desk greeted me with "hi darling" (and it was darling, not darlin')...i didn't know that word still existed...wow...i am going to throw that back into my vocabulary...'how darling'!!!...not quite as strong as 'kick ass', but life does have it's softer side and moments...well...i have never had anything waxed besides candles, waxed paper, and floors...so, i thought maybe it's time i exposed myself to new experiences...apparently, they can wax anything and everything and they do...i asked if people screamed and they said some do...mostly men getting their backs waxed...(back waxing possibly could have saved my first marriage...or not)...i'm thinking that i need to go back in there and take it all off...you can be sure if i do, i'll take photos and share them with you...

...so the next stop on my saturday rounds was ernest's for chocolate...and what i found out is...bigger really is better...when it comes to chocolate!!...you can get anything and everything in chocolate...it's very dutch to give kids a chocolate initial for st. nicholas...ernest said x, y, and z are cheaper, so a lot of parents buy those letters for kids that are not yet old enough to read or spell...trouble is, lots of those little kids end up thinking their name starts with x,y, or z...

...off to the drugstore...i was in a spelunking mood, so i dared to venture down the 'love aisle'...oh my god!!!...what are all those things and what are they used for...the aisle went on forever...i decided to pick things up and read the labels, crap, the printing was so small, there was just no way my arms were long enough to read any of it...i figured they must make it so that if you are too old to read it, you are too old to benefit from it...whatever happened to 'love potion #9'??...did you know that they now make condoms with inches marked on them...built in peter meters...i think they have a red line and that if you don't measure up, it starts to laugh at you...i don't think they are a BIG seller...

...if a shoe is ringing, it's for me...

...if a shoe's ringing, it's for me...listen quietly...or is it quietly listen...i trust all of you, deeply trust all of you, so i know you can keep a secret...please keep what i am about to tell you top secret [kind of like menstruation]...outside of my little corner of the world i am...a secret agent...shhhh...it's true... i do my best work under the covers...i used to have a partner, 69, but now i work alone...it's never the same as with a partner, but i get by, and i have gadgets to help me when i can't manage on my own...my mother was my first contact...until she let it slip out, actually let me slip out...blew my cover...from that day on, i required protection...i would never want to be reminded of a failed mission, say 9 months later...these days i just take assignments when i feel the urge...

...but it's all in the game...

...many a tear has to fall, but it's all in the game...i have been rooting through boxes, and thinking of games and toys i played with as a child...yes, i was "little lulu" once upon a time...i found the cowboys and indians...oooh...there's a sticky little politically correct situation...how to explain that whole scenario...

..."you take this here cowboy [strike that...cowperson] and he [they] take their guns [registered firearms] and try to kill [rid of weapons of mass destruction] the injuns [first nations people]...the one who kills the most [protects the right to democracy and freedom] wins, and yes, it may seem a little one-sided with all these strange diseases [small pox vd...i'll explain vd to you next time we play, etc.] thrown in to kill the injuns [first nations peoples] but hey, we won...mostly...and in some ways it continues today...with different weapons...and a different agenda..."

...we like to think those times were 'simpler'....but 'simpler' may have just represented ignorance and arrogance...

...trend setters...

well, it seems like the trend setters always manage to find their way into my little corner of the world...biggest new trend and to me, the most puzzling...suburbia went from mini-van, to suv and cross-over (who gets to coin these names anyway?) to now, much to my dismay, the heavy duty quad cab 4x4...monster trucks...but the problem here, is every second vehicle dropping off kidlets to katie potato's school is one of these...the others are grossly overpriced and over ego inflated beamers, mercedes, and lexus'...in case you're interested, my car is old enough to go into the bar by itself and order drinks...oh and to vote...just thought i put that out there...

...but these monster trucks roar in, scare the shit out of me, stop, then let out some kid that needs a stepladder to get out of the truck...they should just have a slide, or a fireman's pole...shit...i am so sorry, but TANGENT TIME!!!...grandmama's husband 'pop', was a fire chief in my little corner of the world...they always had separate bedrooms...she says it was because of shiftwork, but the rumour is it was because of pop's hose....pride of the fire department he was!!!...she had this most amazing bathroom, we called it "fantasy in pink" absolutely everything was pink, EVERYTHING! (if you didn't know what to get grandmama for a gift, anything pink was always the way to go)...well pop (maybe others as well) was not allowed to poop in the pink bathroom...he had this hell hole downstairs for his bodily eliminations...when we were kids we reveled in the thought of pooping in the pink toilet, wiping our poopy little bums with pink toilet paper, washing our poopy hands with pink soap that looked and smelled like a rose, and then picking the fanciest, showpiece pink 'guest towel' to dry our poopy little hands on, and then turn out the pink chandelier...

... i am racking my brain trying to figure what this monster truck fad is all about...the thing that puzzles me is that there is never anything in the box of the truck...you would think something, some explanation would show from time to time, but nope, the box is always empty...sadly, we now have home depot, rona, and canadian tire in my little corner of the world, we call it the 'man mall', but it's mostly just old people looking for plumbing parts (isn't is funny how seniors' plumbing on their house, packs it in about the same time as their 'interior plumbing' from their bodies)...so if not for the big box stores, why??...it can't just be the old overcompensating thing as most of these trucks are driven by moms...oh wait...maybe these are women who have small breasts but can't afford implants so buy the next best thing, a $40,000 pick-up truck...this is probably the reason...'woman has small breasts, so buys monster truck, which impresses a man, (but man with a small...appendage) who loves the truck so is willing to overlook the small breasts'...one SMALL problem though for the woman....she loses her truck and gains a boyfruend with a very, very small...appendage...if only she had stuck to the soccer mom mini-van!!