...i'm so excited i could scream (but every time i do, the neighbours call the rescue squad)...

...i am so excited i could scream (but every time i do, the neighbours call the rescue squad)...after keeping my legs and fingers crossed (grandmama's method of birth control) hoping for good luck, it has happened...one of the biggest days of my life...today, i got my first big girl pair of wooden shoes...i was one of the last people in my little corner of the world to get some...i felt so left out when my feet didn't klomp (klompen...dutch for wooden shoes) when i walked down the street...not now though...one slight technical difficulty though...i can't get the left one off...even the crisco hasn't worked...dennis has offered to chisel away at it, but i think i'll just lop off a little bit of foot...

look at those beauties...the shoes

aren't too shabby either...

my feet are so photogenic...

st. nicholas is going to be so

cheesed off (gouda in case you

were wondering) about these...

he'll need to double the goodies

to fill up this good girl's shoes...

....lulu's new (sexual) revolution...

...cocktail partying always end up with the conversation at some point turning to who's 'gay' and who's 'straight'...oh and for my friend jeanette, the worst of all, this freaks her right out...who is 'bi'...in my little corner of the world, we think all people are all things and it just comes down to who you love...

...i am tired of terms and labels used to describe a person's sexuality...but, since i can't seem to make that change, i am adding to the problem, with a solution, so at least if someone is getting labeled for their sexuality, it is a little more specific and has a few more categories...and, because i had the highest mark (99%) in my medical terminology class at the college, i feel i am more than qualified to perform this task...

aer(o) - air, gas - aerosexual ~ does the sexual version of air guitar...most often performs alone...

articul(o) - joint - articulosexual ~ wants only very flexible sexual partners, a lot of circus performers fall into this group...

blephar(o) - eyelid - blepharosexual ~ will only particpate in sex if ALL eyes are closed, that means of all participants, all photos and paintings on the walls, and all pets, including fish...

chlor(o) - denoting a green colour - chlorosexual ~ is only attracted to people wearing all green, the irish, martians, or alligator purses...

dynam(o) - force, energy, power - dynamosexual ~ is too much for most people, has a 'hard' time finding partners strong enough to last their charge...

ect(o) - outside - ectosexual ~ will only participate in sexual relations out of doors (these people frequently get rashes and ant bites)...

halluc - to wander in mind - hallucosexual ~ a person who only has imaginary sex...not to be confused with masturbation, which is alone sex outside of your head...

myc(o) - fungus - mycosexual ~ only sexually attracted to mushrooms...these people spend a lot of time in the dark and damp and usually have a slight manure smell to them...

normo - normal - normosexual ~ normal sexuals...whatever the hell that is!!...

pachy - thick - pachysexual ~ i don't know if this is an attraction to people that are a bit thick, or whether they like to have sex with elephants...

poly - a duality - polysexual ~ is only sexually attacted to twins...

pseudo - false or fake - pseudosexual ~ only attracted to people who fake the big one (think when harry met sally)...

quadr(i) - four - quadrisexual~ will only have sex in foursomes...

scoli(o) - twisted - scoliosexual ~ your classic pervert...

therm(o) - heat - thermosexual ~ only participates in hot sex...

xen (o) - foreign, different - xenosexual ~ only has sex with foreigners or oddballs...

...so those of you who like to wear or give labels, here are some new and exciting options for you, and i think you may have to get to know a person a little better before you can accurately label them...all real living is meeting...

...the buddha got shaved, really shaved...

...well kids, the buddha got shaved, really shaved...i won't post any photos as he is quite embarrassed about it... he has taken to wearing dark glasses and a floppy hat...i think he's more embarrassed that he doesn't have the twins anymore...used to be pretty cocky (no pun intended) when he had jimmy and the twins swinging in the breeze for all to see...since he got neutered ( i told him he was going to go to the vets to get 'tutored'...not quite the lesson he was hoping for!)...i think he feels he has lost one, well two actually, of his dominant features...still, jimmy is no small fry, looks like a 5th leg or a tail, no, it's bigger than his tail, must be a 5th leg!...

...gone are the days when he would swagger into the vets to see the semen collector...what kind of job is that anyway..."hi honey, i'm home...oh, work was great, i jerked off 6 dogs today, how was your day?"...anyway, now that he isn't making donations at the vet, he's not keen on going there. he'll never go back now, because there is only one thing left to 'snip'...maybe dr. wannemaker can help him get through this tough time...she's a bitch!...just kidding dr. w...xox

ps...the buddha has just requested that until his hair has grown back, i am to call him 'stephen'...

...i got a new outfit yesterday...

...i got a new outfit yesterday...basic black, with a little white around the face...almost wore it to parent teacher interviews last night but...i couldn't find my rosaries!...it's a habit...a nasty habit...how cool would that have been for me to show up at parent teacher interviews in a nun costume!! the answers that i could have received from the kind of questions i would have asked would have been stunning...and oh so honest...i may take to wearing the outfit when i am not in my little corner of the world...most people here know me well enough to realize hell would have to freeze over before 'they' would let me become a nun...utter nunsense!...

Our Lady of Immaculate Misconception

...oscar wilde is my hero...

hey kids...i took a quiz to find out which crazy writer i am most like and it's...Oscar Wilde!!!

he's my hero...this is so kick-ass!! here's what it said:

"You are funny, witty, charming...and have um, "unique" personal tastes. You like to have fun, you don't hide who you are, and you don't particularly give a damn what people think about you; you're just as likely to be seen in an all-male Amsterdam brothel as a London literary society dinner. You see beauty in life, and humour in tragedy. If it weren't for the hosts' fears of you saying or doing something indecent, you might very well be the perfect dinner companion."

...i see a resemblance...

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

"True friends stab you in the front."

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world."

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train."

"Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one."

"Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess."

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about."

"There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathize with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life's sores the better."

...more photo journalism from my little corner of the world...

...more photo journalism from my little corner of the world...

mr. gnomie...making mushrooms

we don't have helmet laws

here so many people wear

boxes on their heads...

this is where the

'nakeds' live...

our local gingerbread house...

the last local kids caught

eating here, were never seen

or heard from again...

one of the many local

marshmallow farms to be

found in my little corner

of the world...

we don't have anything quite

like stonehenge here, so we

improvise...

mother nature's barcode...

the back forty...

...every day is a holiday in my little corner of the world...

...when most people think of december special days, the first thought is christmas...but december is full of special days...some are quite serious and remind us that we still do have our work cut out for us in all corners of the world...others, not so much...i happened to come across one of our reference books from our 'international association of intellectual homemakers' library, and you may be shocked to know it is, "heloise...hints for all occasions"...we like to peruse it for her ideas, and then come up with kick ass plans that blow hers out of the water!!..so, i will give you a list of holidays for december, some require your care and effort to make every corner of this world a better place for all...others require only a happy outlook on life, as oscar wild put it, "life's far too mysterious to be taken seriously!"

december 1, 2009

...world aids day ~ started on december 1, 1988, world aids day is about raising money, increasing awareness, fighting predjudice, and improving education. the theme for 2009 is "Universal Access and Human Rights". world aids day is important in reminding people that HIV has not gone away and there is still much to be done.

december 4, 2009

...according to 'the virtual vine', this is national cookie day AND wear brown shoes day! if you don't wear brown shoes, you can't have any cookies...

december 6, 2009

...st. nicholas ~ this is the day everybody gets chocolate letters of their initials (according to ernest, but who would argue with that?)...if you are good (who's the judge of that?) you will find treats in your wooden shoes...bad? coal or salt...horrible?...road apples from st. nicholas' horse...

december 7, 2009

...the birthday of marie tussaud, creator of madame tussaud's wax museum...this is the day you finally go and get that brazilian wax you've been longing for...

december 8, 2009

...the birthday of mexican mural artist diego rivera (on again, off again husband of freida kahlo, now she was one kick ass - i mean 'darling' - woman) it's tacos all around today!

december 11, 2009

...hanukkah ~ a jewish celebration, commonly known as 'the festival of lights'...with the lighting of the menorah, traditional festive foods, and games of dreidel...

december 12, 2009

...again, according to 'the virtual vine', today is national poinsettia day (did you ever notice how they lace this poisonous plant all over old folk's homes?) and national ding-a-ling day...in my little corner of the world, we bake poinsettia cookies for the ding-a-lings as they missed out on cookies on 'wear brown shoes day'...

december 14, 2009

...on this day in 1911, the south pole was discovered (i'll let you in on a little secret, there is no pole there, it's just an urban myth), and in 1929, the first miniature golf course opened (not at the south pole)...personally, i find mini-golf, as we call it in my little corner of the world, lacks appeal without that 19th hole!

december 16, 2009

...the anniversary of the boston tea party (yanks still can't make tea) but, more importantly, to ernest at least, it is "chocolate covered anything day"...let your imagination run wild, ernest does...

december 21, 2009

...the birthday of frank zappa (father of moon unit and dweezel)...this is the day all food must be cooked in the microwave...zapped!

december 25, 2009

...happy birthday jesus!!...it's national pumpkin pie day in america...in my little corner of the world we have cake, christmas cake, for the birthday party...

december 26, 2009

...it's boxing day...and kwanzaa...

december 28, 2009

...national chocolate day (do you notice a pattern developing here...it's like every day is chocolate day...what's with that ernest??) oh and it's national playing card day as well...

december 31, 2009

...new years eve...no chocolate!!

...so kids...you thought you only had christmas shopping left to do...guess again? at least you can get most of your gifts from ernest...but do not despair...katie potato and i came up with a sure fire "to the front of the line" plan for shopping...we wear surgical masks and cough our brains out...those lines part faster than the red sea...cheers, lulu

ah, ho, ho, ho....

this christmas card is from japan

circa the '60's.....my favourite part...

they took their shoes off before they

went into the 'stable'...

...gotta love japan...

...role play...or is it roll play...

...it's happened yet again...i've been invited to star in another play in my little corner of the world...i graciously (i don't even know what that means) declined...i'm not a thespian, i'm a lespian, but if i was a thespian, i'm sure one of my personalities would like to read for a part...

...i'm not sure if you are aware or not, but i am trying to make the hockey comeback in my little corner of the world...even all-stars have to work their way back to the top...thank god i still have the 'touch' and don't have to claw my way up, because (another confession)...i bite my nails...so i watch hockey and i go practice everyday at lunch...

...there is a real hierarchy to 'drop in' hockey...almost as bad as surfing...if you don't know the rules of etiquette in surfing, let me just say, the dogfish will be nibbling on any parts that are left over...back to 'drop in' hockey...at one end are the adept players (i let them believe they are) involved in 'shinny'...in the middle is kind of a hockey purgatory...and the other end are the 'kinder, gentler' players...i stay with the k/g chaps...there is me...the lone woman, a man that goes around and around and around at a walk kind of pace, and nevers stops...not til the zamboni man honks his horn...there are 3 indo canadian guys, who rock at ball hockey but skating is not their forte...i try not to breathe too hard so as not to knock them over...last and unfortunately not least, are these little pirhannas (they must be surfers who wear water wings) who are about 3 years old and are some kind of sidney crosby clones...they are worse than mad dogs...chase me everywhere...i swear if they didn't have face masks on they would be chewing on my ankles...

...this year, right after st. nicholas, i am going to celebrate hanukkah...i have had trouble finding all the necessary items...the liquidators had "happy hanukkah" banners, gift tags and cookie cutters, and then i found 'hanukkah crackers' at a local store...when you pull them open there is a dreidel and a paper yamulke (hat) inside...but a menorah, that's hard to come by in my little corner of the world...so, i googled menorah and found the ultimate craft...no matches, never needs to be replaced, will last you forever...

http://www.tamponcrafts.com/menorah.html

...where there's a will there's a way...whoda thunkit??...

...another saturday in my little corner of the world..

well...another saturday in my little corner of the world...so...after my porridge i headed for the market...they could almost have it as a drive through, because at this time of the season, there are very few vendors left...but...because of that...i finally noticed the sock monkeys!!!...too much fun...i bought a black one as a gift, just to make colonel sanders happy...the sock monkey lady was so kick ass!..spot on, sock monkey lady, spot on!!!...

...now kids...lulu is getting on in age and i worry that i am letting some of life's adventures pass me by...so...i stopped in to the local day spa...just for information...the lady at the desk greeted me with "hi darling" (and it was darling, not darlin')...i didn't know that word still existed...wow...i am going to throw that back into my vocabulary...'how darling'!!!...not quite as strong as 'kick ass', but life does have it's softer side and moments...well...i have never had anything waxed besides candles, waxed paper, and floors...so, i thought maybe it's time i exposed myself to new experiences...apparently, they can wax anything and everything and they do...i asked if people screamed and they said some do...mostly men getting their backs waxed...(back waxing possibly could have saved my first marriage...or not)...i'm thinking that i need to go back in there and take it all off...you can be sure if i do, i'll take photos and share them with you...

...so the next stop on my saturday rounds was ernest's for chocolate...and what i found out is...bigger really is better...when it comes to chocolate!!...you can get anything and everything in chocolate...it's very dutch to give kids a chocolate initial for st. nicholas...ernest said x, y, and z are cheaper, so a lot of parents buy those letters for kids that are not yet old enough to read or spell...trouble is, lots of those little kids end up thinking their name starts with x,y, or z...

...off to the drugstore...i was in a spelunking mood, so i dared to venture down the 'love aisle'...oh my god!!!...what are all those things and what are they used for...the aisle went on forever...i decided to pick things up and read the labels, crap, the printing was so small, there was just no way my arms were long enough to read any of it...i figured they must make it so that if you are too old to read it, you are too old to benefit from it...whatever happened to 'love potion #9'??...did you know that they now make condoms with inches marked on them...built in peter meters...i think they have a red line and that if you don't measure up, it starts to laugh at you...i don't think they are a BIG seller...

...if a shoe is ringing, it's for me...

...if a shoe's ringing, it's for me...listen quietly...or is it quietly listen...i trust all of you, deeply trust all of you, so i know you can keep a secret...please keep what i am about to tell you top secret [kind of like menstruation]...outside of my little corner of the world i am...a secret agent...shhhh...it's true... i do my best work under the covers...i used to have a partner, 69, but now i work alone...it's never the same as with a partner, but i get by, and i have gadgets to help me when i can't manage on my own...my mother was my first contact...until she let it slip out, actually let me slip out...blew my cover...from that day on, i required protection...i would never want to be reminded of a failed mission, say 9 months later...these days i just take assignments when i feel the urge...

...but it's all in the game...

...many a tear has to fall, but it's all in the game...i have been rooting through boxes, and thinking of games and toys i played with as a child...yes, i was "little lulu" once upon a time...i found the cowboys and indians...oooh...there's a sticky little politically correct situation...how to explain that whole scenario...

..."you take this here cowboy [strike that...cowperson] and he [they] take their guns [registered firearms] and try to kill [rid of weapons of mass destruction] the injuns [first nations people]...the one who kills the most [protects the right to democracy and freedom] wins, and yes, it may seem a little one-sided with all these strange diseases [small pox vd...i'll explain vd to you next time we play, etc.] thrown in to kill the injuns [first nations peoples] but hey, we won...mostly...and in some ways it continues today...with different weapons...and a different agenda..."

...we like to think those times were 'simpler'....but 'simpler' may have just represented ignorance and arrogance...

...trend setters...

well, it seems like the trend setters always manage to find their way into my little corner of the world...biggest new trend and to me, the most puzzling...suburbia went from mini-van, to suv and cross-over (who gets to coin these names anyway?) to now, much to my dismay, the heavy duty quad cab 4x4...monster trucks...but the problem here, is every second vehicle dropping off kidlets to katie potato's school is one of these...the others are grossly overpriced and over ego inflated beamers, mercedes, and lexus'...in case you're interested, my car is old enough to go into the bar by itself and order drinks...oh and to vote...just thought i put that out there...

...but these monster trucks roar in, scare the shit out of me, stop, then let out some kid that needs a stepladder to get out of the truck...they should just have a slide, or a fireman's pole...shit...i am so sorry, but TANGENT TIME!!!...grandmama's husband 'pop', was a fire chief in my little corner of the world...they always had separate bedrooms...she says it was because of shiftwork, but the rumour is it was because of pop's hose....pride of the fire department he was!!!...she had this most amazing bathroom, we called it "fantasy in pink" absolutely everything was pink, EVERYTHING! (if you didn't know what to get grandmama for a gift, anything pink was always the way to go)...well pop (maybe others as well) was not allowed to poop in the pink bathroom...he had this hell hole downstairs for his bodily eliminations...when we were kids we reveled in the thought of pooping in the pink toilet, wiping our poopy little bums with pink toilet paper, washing our poopy hands with pink soap that looked and smelled like a rose, and then picking the fanciest, showpiece pink 'guest towel' to dry our poopy little hands on, and then turn out the pink chandelier...

... i am racking my brain trying to figure what this monster truck fad is all about...the thing that puzzles me is that there is never anything in the box of the truck...you would think something, some explanation would show from time to time, but nope, the box is always empty...sadly, we now have home depot, rona, and canadian tire in my little corner of the world, we call it the 'man mall', but it's mostly just old people looking for plumbing parts (isn't is funny how seniors' plumbing on their house, packs it in about the same time as their 'interior plumbing' from their bodies)...so if not for the big box stores, why??...it can't just be the old overcompensating thing as most of these trucks are driven by moms...oh wait...maybe these are women who have small breasts but can't afford implants so buy the next best thing, a $40,000 pick-up truck...this is probably the reason...'woman has small breasts, so buys monster truck, which impresses a man, (but man with a small...appendage) who loves the truck so is willing to overlook the small breasts'...one SMALL problem though for the woman....she loses her truck and gains a boyfruend with a very, very small...appendage...if only she had stuck to the soccer mom mini-van!!

...it's a cat eat eat cat world...

i have about had it with dr. wannemaker, our pet psychiatrist...i spend a high percentage of my unearned income on therapy for my pets, and, except for the grief counseling over the lawn mower 'cat ass trophy' of spooner, i am not seeing bang for my buck...as i write this, the buddha is taking up three quarters of my bed, snoring, and leaving almost no space for me and my rocks...so he was of course upset about the toy incident the other day, but even after seeing dr. wannemaker, he has run off on his own 2 days in a row, and has been stashing old toys away so i can't find them...he got into the garbage twice thinking that his toys were in there, but i'm smarter than he thinks...

...then there is the psycho cat, baby...today she cornered chloe, the overeater, in the bathroom all day, all the while howling like she'd caught a lizard or something...sally, my anorexic cat likes to howl when she's been hunting (in the house) but she usually has just killed underwear or a sock...but baby...crap she cries 'mama' so loud you can hear her outside...the neighbours think we have a kid locked up in the basement again (it wasn't intentional the first time, really!)...

...i'm thinking of inviting "mutual of omaha's wild kingdom" in for a session...same as the jungle really, this house is, except the monkeys don't swing from the trees...

....new stories for paint -by -numbers...

hey kids...check out this wonderful blog by billy canadian (not from my little corner of the world)

New Stories for Paint-by-Numbers

...the game of life...

while i was washing the dishes...by hand...i thought...how many games did we play as kids that transfer into our lives?? so, and in alphabetical order no less, i am going to identify all the games that i really play in "the game of life"...

...'ants in the pants' ~ unfortunately yes, i have played the home version...that brother who i never finished off, saw the perfect opportunity to scoop a shovelful of ants nest into my baggy shorts...hell hath no fury like ants in the pants!! i still find them now and again...i would have thought ten years would have been plenty of time for that ant killer to kick in...maybe i should break it off with the orkin man...'barrel of monkeys' ~ need i say more...'clue' ~ i haven't got one!...'cootie' ~ this time it wasn't me, but the bro' who had the cooties, or at least that's what i used to tell everyone...'don't break the ice' 'don't spill the beans' ~ it's no wonder we are the prozac nation..."kids, let's play a fun game and relax" - not!!...and wait...her's another relaxing game 'frustration'....somehow i am starting to see a pattern...we play tense, stressful, sit on the edge of your seat games...to relax...

...'hands down' ~ actually i haven't played this game, but my friend alberta, when she went to ny, played the local version....'hands up!'...'hungry hippos' ~ yep...everytime we go to the all you can eat buffet at the howard johnson...'jenga' ~ this is the office game in my house...stack those books and bills and papers so high, and then try and get the phone bill out from the middle of the stack...actually we sometimes use a different name for this game...'kerplunk' ~ my car engine actually makes this noise and then goes kaput...'mousetrap' ~ we had this game when my brother and sister said i was too young to play it, so i always took a crucial piece of the game out of the works...too little to play huh??...the family that plays together stays together...or not...

...my favourite...'operation' ~ this is the game that has saved medical students thousands of dollars in tuition...i learned all of my anatomy and physiology from that guy with the big red proboscis...when my cousin eddy was little, he always wanted to play, but the batteries kept wearing out from him touching the sides so they gave him a pair of tweezers that weren't hooked up to the game...he wants to be a surgeon, but i don't think i would ever let him cut on me...'pass the pigs' ~ ever time katie potato wants the sausages...'password' ~ this is the most frustrating game ever, except for user name...'scavenger hunt' ~ this is the game we play every morning as katie potato tries to find all the pieces of her uniform for school (no, it's not reform school)...'trouble' ~ somehow, i can never seem to get away from this game...it's a constant in my life...i would like to meet someone who fits one of my wetsuits, uses the same laundry detergent as me, likes thighs and legs, and doesn't play trouble any more...'twister' ~ this is the game that brought chiropractic into the mainstream, made more memorable moments between hormone raging teens, and made more unmemorable moments between siblings...it's one thing if your biggest crushes feet stink, but it's another thing if they're your brother's...'yahtzee' ~ that about sums up life in my little corner of the world...keep rolling those dice until you get the combinations you need...if at first you don't succeed, try and try, oh and one more try, again...

...play nice kids...lulu

...it's a dog's life...

the buddha's toy's

quite the collection

the buddha with some of his toys

...well kids, the pet psychiatrist in my little corner of the world, dr. wannemaker, is worked off her feet...today was buddha's monthly appointment...he was really confused and upset with me...every 6 months we (i) go through his toys and pull out the ratty broken ones...yesterday we placed all his toys on the floor and the sorting began...except he didn't know if he was coming or going...he just kept barking as if toys would volunteer to leave the fold...well, i made the choices for him and he was not very pleased...and he was really pissed off because i found my "nick and nora" doll and took her away from him...do you think dog toys reflect the dog's way of thinking or the owner's...dr. wannemaker thinks it's a little of both, but frankly, i think she's just looking to expand her practice!!...

...there are no words...

...well kids, after much fondling, and stroking, and pulling on the hose...i bought a new vacuum...i was so sad because my other one packed it in, but...screw that!!!....this vacuum is beyond lovely...there are no words to describe it!!...i have my speed dial set for the paramedics because i fear my heart my give out with this much excitement...oh it is the orgasmatron for sure...i don't know if i can take anymore!!...the hose on this one is huge...the headlight is one of those xenon kind you find on expensive cars (that's how i know which cars to hit in the dark)...it has a snooze button, so you can fold it flat, send it under the bed to do it's thing, and it will wake you up...who could sleep though, it was just like the magic fingers were under there...anti lock brakes and cruise control are standard, along with more bells and whistles than you could shake a stick at...and this one has a name...'hoover'....my lawnmower came with a name too, 'murray'...he's a happy lawnmower...i love murray...he doesn't have a headlight, so he sleeps through the night...

christmas brings out the 'ho in me....

i've tried to keep it a secret, closeted away, hoping that the outside world would never know...but...i can't take the strain of living a life of lies anymore...i hate christmas....that's right, i hate christmas...today i just lost it...i had to be restrained at the walmart for trying to kick the animated santa in his jingle kris kringle bells!! maybe one i could have handled (santa, not security guard) but 3 all singing at the same time, different songs, and ho ho-ing at me...i just lost it!!...and the whole santa thing...he's a creepy old man that lap dances children for god sakes!

last year, i made santa sit on my knee...

a change of venue...

....diana and her new home...

...well kids, today diana and i took a little trip from the cenotaph to city square, here in my little corner of the world...she's much happier...i think there's even a live feed to the internet here...

....what i did for love....

my friend alberta (dad was albert...they wanted a boy..) just left my little corner of the world to go to ny and see the long running show...'a chorus line'....your own little lulu saw it in london many moons ago, when i left my little corner of the world to explore, to see what was out there in the rest of the world....oh, but back to 'a chorus line'...one of my favourite songs was "what i did for love"....and it got me to thinking, what did i do for love?

...my first memory is giving my little kindergarten friends black eyes when they were not nice to my boyfriend...my parents got to meet a lot of the other parents this way...more so than they would have through just the pta...first grade i stole a marble and put it into my boyfriends boot...only it wasn't his boot and it wasn't my marble....my parents got to meet my first grade teacher on a more personal level than they would have without the marble...second grade, gave my bike away...my parents got to meet the police when i tried to steal it back...these little events cooled off for a few years as i settled down and stopped falling in love so often...this may have been, in part, due to the fact that i got to meet the wide end of the wooden spoon a little more frequently than i would have preferred....but that's ok, it just taught me to be choosy...

...eighth grade it was the age of the more you like someone, the more you showed that you didn't...i used to throw ron boswell's sneakers out of the third story classroom window...he would go and get them and then i would throw them again...i think this is how s and m starts!...i got to experience many hours sitting on the hard wooden bench outside the principal's office...does that mean i was actually in love with the principal and not ron boswell??...love is so confusing...

...my next big love was in the school band... i spent every free moment in the music room...and as a result of that committed relationship...i don't play music any more...no, actually i can still pump out tunes on the old player piano...the neighbours were really happy when the trumpet, the drums, the tuba, the saxophone and the baton twirlers left...they always complained they lived next door to a marching band...well with their kids jumping on the bed and the looks of some of their relatives, we thought we lived next door to ringling bros. circus and it's sideshow of freaks!!...

...i think the strangest thing i have done as an adult, was to stand and sniff all the boxes of laundry detergent to find the one that smelled like my love interests clothes...people in the store have never quite looked at me the same since... i don't do that any more...i am now brand loyal, so i buy the detergent i like, and then sniff people to see who matches the scent...

apparently, the more you complain, the longer god makes you live....looks like i'll be sticking around for a while...

this small photo of diana, princess of wales, was placed on the cenotaph today prior to our Remembrance Day Ceremony...my opinion...totally not the time or place...in fact, never the right time or place...this monument commemorates the men and women who lost their lives during war and conflict, in times of extreme hardship and horror, helping us enjoy the freedom and opportunities we have today...diana was a humanitarian...she died in paris, after leaving the ritz hotel, in a speeding limousine, after a stay on a yacht...why can't i see the similarities here?...because there are none!!...

.... society appears to be taking death and memorials to new levels, that to me, are over the top...making icons and idols out of good people, even great people, but 'famous' people....we seem to jump on this crazy bandwagon, almost hysteria, where the act and show of remembrance is just never enough and we need more media coverage, more tributes, more teddy bears and flowers ~ more worship....by doing so, we are losing our appreciation for the value of any life, the lives of people like you and me...good, kind, loving, creative and caring people are everywhere...when i see these massive tributes and mega displays of flowers etc...the first thing that comes to mind is look at all the energy, all the potential spent on 'words' or 'stuff' or just plain attention, that would mean so much more if directed at 'life'...

..today, i wish i had the balls...no, strike that...i regret not looking deep enough inside to come up with the integrity and initiative to act on my beliefs...to act without waiting for a group decision...to have moved the pretty little princess...and yes she was a great humanitarian, but no soldier, and moved her along...to her place, her space...she did not belong here...

lest we forget...

Gunner John G. Turner

I am so very proud to call

such an honourable man,

my Dad. I miss you everyday.

xo Deanna

future prime minister

cenotaph

multitude of wreaths

we remember

random quotes...

"you have been taught that there is something wrong with you and you are imperfect, but, there isn't and you're not".....unknown

"there's a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every i don't know, and a little emotion behind every i don't care."...unknown

remember...the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month...

...i cry when i go to remembrance day services...i think of all the mothers and fathers who lost sons (and daughters!), the children who lost parents, some of whom they never got the chance to meet and remember...i think of dieppe and the beach there...walking along the beach and seeing what the canadian troops faced just blew me away....there was NOWHERE to go...i think of all the canadians we still lose on an almost daily basis to war and conflict...so many of them, so young, their whole lives ahead of them, and their families and friends and neighbours who have only memories for the future...at 11:00 am..don't be at walmart, or watching football, or on facebook, or instant messaging...say a little prayer and send a lot of love out to all who bear the pain of sacrifice and loss...lulu xoxox

speaking of draining breasts....

...jeanette's little boob job, reminded me of a time many years back, when i pumped breast milk...yes, it's true, your lulu was the cash cow in my little corner of the world...fed most every kid at some time or other...but one day, i went to the folk festival and took my portable manual pump with me....now, i consider breastfeeding to be a magical part of life, and so i apply that to pumping milk as well...i didn't feel the need to hide away...i sat on a bench and had my companion push the pump in and out...looked like we were blowing up a balloon...sure enough, a crowd of kids gathered...staring intently at the whole process...the longer it went on, the bigger their eyes grew until they were almost the size of saucers...thinking that i was offending them, i turned around, but they yelled, "hey lady don't, we want to see it blow!!!"....

might as well have played pin the tail on the donkey...

...well, from now on, i think jeanette will listen to me...i told her time and time again, not to pin broaches on top of her 'new breasts'....accidents can happen...well, today when she went to pin her poppy on over her left breast, her hand slipped, and POP!!!!....she poked a hole in her new water filled implant...the water was spewing out in a 3 foot stream, and everytime someone would call her name, she would turn around and spray them in the face!...now i don't know what they put in with the water, but what ever it is was stinging and causing people to cry, which would then prompt jeanette to turn towards them again to see what was going on...when the breast had drained completely, there stood jeanette...dd-flated!!!...

put the toilet seat down....

...on the front page of today's paper, was a photo of a snake that had crawled out of a man's toilet...i knew plumbers used snakes, but i never took that to be literally!!...put the toilet seat down!....there's good reason now....although the one eyed trouser snake has been lurking around toilets for years!!...

"the secret...."

well kids, today i am going to go way back into the past, and just so you know, i am warning you this deals with matters of a feminine nature...so...go big or go home (i just like saying that!!)....when i was a young lass, here in my little corner of the world, when a girl entered into the 5th grade, something dark and mysterious happened...first off, all the girls in the class got a permission slip to take home and get signed...a parent would sign it and tell you nothing about it; who, what where, when, why or how??....about a week after that....all the girls would be mysteriously called out of the classroom and herded into the library...the look of bewilderment was unbelievable, you would have thought we were going to be shipped off to the moon...then possibly one girl might secretly whisper that we were at "the talk"....

...a lady would come in and start off with something like, "girls, you are approaching an age that holds exciting and wonderful changes...you are about to enter the beginnings of woman hood." i knew right then and there that this 'hood' was not like 'robin hood' and it was not going to be good news...one thing i learned as a 'tomboy', was that beautiful and woman and young lady were words of extreme danger..."your body will be slowly going through many exciting changes....soon, you will start developing budding breasts, your hips will curve out to become shapely, and you will have a monthly menstrual cycle"....a what kind of cycle?...did she say motorcycle?..."menstruation, is nature's way of preparing you to one day have a baby"...what??!!!...tomboys don't have babies!!...

...things only got worse...she went on to say that once a month a 'friend' would come to visit and that we might get cramps, but we could still do everything we did before...before what??....then she pulled some kind of straps and first aid dressings out of a box...."these are called sanitary napkins, and this is a belt to hold them in place."....and then to my extreme horror, she said something about bleeding, and flow, and every 28 days!!...in my tomboy brain i was screaming "lady, shut the fuck up!!!"....

...she was ruining my life, couldn't she see that??....i did not want to join her little club and play their silly little girly games...how could i ever face my friends when we walked back into the classroom?....the return to class was almost as bewildering as leaving...the boys just looked at us like we had been given a treat and they didn't get one...hardly!!!...they never asked about where we went or why, and as far as i could tell, our mysterious little mission and it's contents had never been revealed to them...it was "the secret".....

ever wonder....

....here's to the girl in the little red shoes, she'll spend your money, she'll drink your booze, she's lost her cherry but that's no sin, cause she's still got the box that the cherry came in...ever wonder....'where do all those lost cherries go?'.......

it's raining again...

...it's been raining here for days in my little corner of the world...i'm not complaining...we always need the water...just that sometimes i would prefer the liquid sunshine would spread it itself out or be more predictable...kind of like menstruation (that's period)...it would be easier to plan events, and the people who bitch about the rain, well they would have their rainy day pms and we could avoid them and their 'stormy' attitude...and it would be great for my chocolate man...and a mist cloudy period, would be having people paying a lot more attention to our under appreciated meteorologists...and definitely increase the sale of rain gauges, which by the way, your little lulu happens to own...

....please forgive me, i'm off on a tangent (that means my conversation and thoughts are only ever so slightly relevant)...weather words and descriptions always make me tip my head a little (like my dog does when he's just not quite sure he heard me correctly the first time)...i can't always see the connection, like i understand depression, with rain etc, but a tropical depression? crap...when i'm in the tropics, sipping those mai tai's, eating 'pupus' and working on my all over tan, depression is the last thing on my mind!...or how about calm before the storm...have you seen what people do before a storm? crap...they run around like chickens with their heads cut off and the lowest man on the CNN totem pole is shitting his pants because he got the assignment to stand and do storm play by play...and climate change...what does the ultimate sexual expression have to do with the weather and who in their right mind would change that?!!...[EDITOR'S NOTE:....it has been brought to my attention that climate is not a sexuality term...the only weather related sexuality term is frigid...sorry for any confusion this may have caused]

...tropical got me thinking about surfing...here in my little corner of the world, we can surf, but our surfing season doesn't start until the cold november winds blow in....it means that wetsuits are a necessity...

...sorry another tangent not quite so unconnected...if you take a thermos with hot water and pour that hot water into your wet suit before you go into the water, you don't get that heart stopping blast of cold as your suit fills...coffee works too, but the pee in your suit thing is just an urban myth...

...the number one rule is you should never surf alone...lulu had a dilemma...nobody ever had a wet suit except me...so...i came up with a plan to buy wet suits at thrift stores and bazaars....all i had to do then was meet people who fit one of my wetsuits!!...you can not imagine all the shapes and sizes people come in...it was like finding cinderella to fit the glass slipper...there was one wet suit i actually prayed i would not find a person to fit, because they would have scared the shit out of me!!...well one day...i met a goddess who fit one of my suits...the fact that she hated water and could not swim meant nothing...she suited me just fine...we would go to the ocean and put our wet suits on, grab all our gear run toward the water and then turn around and head back to the beach, get out of our wet suits and into a dry martini...not really martinis, corona with limes, but if i hadn't been a virgin...a martini virgin...we would have gone into the dry martinis and then into a lot of trouble...

...rain does bring rainbows....they make the rain seem worthwhile...i am one of those people who believe that a pot of gold lies at the end of a rainbow...so thank goodness i'm gay...because rainbows are EVERYWHERE in my little corner of the world!!! xox

window shopping...

...window shopping....don't you think ..."i was window shopping"... is the lamest excuse??...my friend trish says that all the time...it's such a cop out...why can't she just admit that she spent all of her money or can't make up her bloody mind or no merchant wants to welcome her in their shops after what happened the last time they let trish in...seriously, think about it, when was the last time you bought windows...see??!

....yesterday, here in my little corner of the world...i spent the day 'in town'....i saw the latest and greatest in 'strap ons' and i wasn't overly impressed....i have to admit that these were the biggest, and most likely fastest, 'strap ons' i had ever seen, and certainly were good value, plus there were a lot of accessories available, but who wants to go to all the trouble of taking them on and off, when you can just as easily keep them on...i think they would only be good if you had the right size feet any way....besides, i have a pair of perfectly good in-line skates that work better and are probably more reliable ~ i've certainly never been disappointed in their performance!...so, i made the decision that strap on in-line skates are just not for me....

...

i lost my virginity...yet again....

...much to grandmama's dismay, i have lost my virginity, yet again...she shouldn't point fingers (somewhat crooked arthriticy ones) because she has lost her mind!...i had a martini last night...not a VIRGIN martini, no, it was the real deal (except for the whipping cream ~ not on the martini, on me!)...it's almost like the first time i lost my virginity, woke up with the worst hangover, in some strange bed, with a person whose name i can't seem to recollect...or pronounce....

alphabet stories to live by.....

...good morning...i am not a religious person (i know, it is hard to believe)...so..i look to other things, and faces, and places for guidance...one of my favourite things is to follow life in alphabetic order...so i thought i'd share with you how to eat your way through a loaded brunch buffet, it's easy and quite simply, delicious...avacado, bean salad, ceviche, dim sum, eggs benny (with lox no less), french toast, ginger beef, hash browns, indian curry, juices, kolbassa, lasagna, mussels, noodles, oranges, prawns, q...went to the restroom, roast beef, salmon, tea, uncooked sushi, vegetables, waffles, xyz...too full....

...i love to give gifts...and when it came time to buy a gift for my friend's anniversary...i looked over the tradional and modern lists of what gift you give for each year, and i thought how unoriginal, how unispiring...so lulu has come up with my list of gifts for which year...first off, there is one gift that covers any year, and that is cement...nothing says forever like cement...so even though i have put it down for the first anniversary, i feel it is an appropriate gift any time!

first....cement (nothing says forever like cement)

fifth...couples bungy jumping (guaranteed to support that feeling of togetherness)

tenth...bath paint by numbers for lovers (they touch the parts that most old married couples would rather forget)

twenty fifth...please forgive me cards, two each (for the she/he means nothing to me moments in life, the something just came over me, it will never happen again)

fiftieth...the couples set of ipod pacemakers (with the optional random/shuffle setting, to put some of that spark back into your life )

fifty first and on....whatever the home will allow them to have, but remember, nothing says forever like cement...and name tags never go out of style...

blah,blah,blah....

well...lulu has lots of things to spew about today...insurance...how come insurance forms, most forms actually, but especially insurance forms, have such little spaces to write in the information they are asking for???...if you can't inscribe the lord's prayer on the head of a pin, then you can't fit the info in the space provided...and the questions they ask!...i received a phone call today from a woman compiling the info for my insurance application...i already spent an afternoon at the bank filling in the form, but she wanted to ask me all the same information again....i already know they will reject me, because somewhere, at some point in the process, an honest person answers yes to a question....but i like to make them go find out for themselves, for being stingy bastards in the first place, so i just answer "no" to any and all questions...

...have you ever applied for insurance in the past and been rejected?..no...(yes actually, all the time)...have you EVER experienced headache, fatigue dizziness?...no...(hangover yes...wait, alcohol is another question...)...have you ever had an xray, or cat scan or mri?....of course not, people can see right through me...have you EVER been in the hospital?...no, i was born in a log cabin in the woods....i have never been to the doctor, never had an infection, never taken medication, never been depressed, never had a blood or urine test (despite the fact that i studied for them), no one in my family has ever died from anything, my daughter was born on a bus (don't worry, i wasn't driving at the time), i have never chewed gum, eaten junk food, had fun, or otherwise enjoyed life...why do you ask???...

...in about 9 days (3 days longer than their question session lasted), when they have found out what should have been yes answers, i will receive a note from them, saying ever so politely, " we are very sorry, we are unable to provide you with insurance at this time, or ever, because you might at some point actually need it"....by then...they will probably have spent more money looking for the yes answers than they would have had to pay out in insurance...

...in my little corner of the world, we are required to have stickers on our cars sharing information about our driving experience or lack thereof...we have L for learner and N for newbie....i personally think we should utilize the whole alphabet, just like the soup...A is definitely 'asshole'...B better late than never...C can't you make up your god damned mind?!, D dope, dimwit, dolt...E effing whatever...F fuddie duddie...G go ahead, i dare ya!...H hellooooo!!!...I i'm only speeding because i have to poop, or incontinent...J jerk!...K kill me why don't ya?...L...M maybe you'd like to step out of the car and say that to my face...N...O ok, fine, be that way...P people like you make the worst drivers seem good...Q quit riding on my ass...R right officer i'm so sorry ~ not!...S stick this where the sun don't shine!....T tickets? i thought you NEEDED tickets to get on a ride...U u can't be serious?!!...V very original...W where did you learn to drive?...X xcuuuse meeee!!...Y you paid way too much for that beamer, because none of the signals work...Z zzzzzz asleep at the wheel again....

more photojournalism from my little corner of the world....shopping...

'bob' our local lottery

winner...would you just

look at his big fat wallet!

security footage of my friendly

check out girl sheryl...she is

having way too much fun...

i know smiles are free, but even still,

she shouldn't (according to

grandmama) just be giving it away!!

management will have to get on

this right away...

sherry and i....one of my dear

friends in the meat department

...she is quite a celebrity in

these parts...only butcher in

town with ALL her fingers...

and all her toes..

this is john, my local produce

expert...he is trying to sell me

green grapes, but i prefer them in

their fermented state...sorry john

a sad day....

it's a sad day in my little corner of the world...my vacuum cleaner died...i was so attached to it...and derived so much pleasure from it...i can't bear the thought of breaking in a replacement...i'll settle for nothing less than the 'orgasmatron'....it needs the unnecessary head light, mag wheels, dual exhausts, see through dirt catcher, rack and pinion steering, air shocks, and a musical programable horn....oh and an alarm!! i'll start my search tomorrow...

...did you ever hear the unusual tale of the "nimbus 2000"?? it was a toy version of dear harry potter's broom....well, this 'nimbus 2000' was pretty special...when you rode on it it vibrated...they had to recall it, because, it was too much of a good thing...one woman said, "it's a great toy, not only does my young daughter like it, but her teenage sister and all her friends like it too!"....

...in my little corner of the world, all the fir trees drop needles...well, i was doing a blow job on the driveway and it occurred to me, why not do a blow job inside the house...so that's what i did...i took my leaf blower in the house...it was a great help, with my vacuum having passed on and all...in fact, i may do this all the time, you can dust, sweep, put stuff away and rearrange furniture all in one fast swoop...

the mellops go spelunking....

when i was a little lulu, one of my favourite books was "the mellops go spelunking"....for those of you who don't know what spelunking is, it is the exploration of caves...i like to expand that definition to include exploring around the house, my house or yours!

...i like to refer to my gynecologist as the cave doctor...his headlight (now see, here's a place where having a head light makes sense) is one of the best i have ever seen...when i enquired about it, he said that, yes indeed, his lamp was different, he buys his 'interior' lights at the outdoor explorer store...i love a man with a sense of adventure!

...in my house, objects seem to find their own way around the house and end up wherever they see fit....a recent spelunking expedition into the guest room turned up; an axe, a compass, a book on how to play the harmonica, petrified (as in solid, not petrified as in scared stiff) dinosaur poop...no shit!...a brand new slinky, elvis, a gun that shoots out potato pellets (popped that in the mail to dick cheney...did you ever notice that men named dick usually are ~ dicks?), a one dollar bill, the field guide to slugs, an original trivial pursuit game, a big old kick ass accordian that belonged to my grannie that i am going to 'pimp', a horse riding helmut ( for the rider, not the horse), just too many things to list...

...so, if your life is lacking in adventure, consider doing your own home spelunking expedition...head lights optional....

let's all play nice together....or not...

here in my little corner of the world, we are not immune (no pun intended as you will see later..) from some of the problems and evils that lurk out there for the rest of the world...and...no matter how nice and kind hearted a person is, there are still those occasional times when we get cross (pissed off) and some of us handle the situation a little better than others...

...becky and sue-ann, were both bidding on a beautiful carpet at the silent auction and at the last second, just as sue-ann was lighting up like a christmas tree and getting ready to 'na ~ na' becky because she was the top bidder, becky jumped up, vaulted right over the table and upped her bid, before the timer ran out...the air was blue!! sue-ann was really, really, really 'cross'...things eventually calmed down and they shook hands and made out...oops..made up!....

...now, becky was a creature of habit...every saturday morning she would be the first one at the bank machine to deposit her weekly check...sue-ann went down on friday night and put "burn your ass off hot sauce" on the first deposit envelope in the stack...the reaction when becky licked it...never seen anything like it in my whole life...except pokeman stadium N 64, where if the pokeman gets wasabe intsead of sushi, oh boy!! ( i always wanted to lose, just to see the guy run around with his head on fire!)...right after that the bank put in self adhesive envelopes, and rightly so, licking the old ones, crap, they could have had anything on them!!.. i can see the picture in your head right now and it isn't pretty...

.....as i said earlier, we are not immune from outside influences...like politicians!!...well, wouldn't you know, my little corner of the world was represented by walter robinson...and for the kids reading, i'm sorry, but the only way to say it...he was a right royal asshole and bigot and and racist and homophobe!!!...he believed that immigrants, people of colour, gays, and probably any other group he could hate should be made to work in the back of the store...(apparantly, his ancestors didn't immigrate, so that would explain his monkey brain)...

...i just love people that follow the same old dull routine...for a while, i worked at the bakery, and walter would come to town and pick up blueberry pies that he would order ahead of time...little gay lulu worked at the bakery, get this, in the back, with a lovely asian girl and a nice chap from ireland...we decided, to lick our finger and stick it in each pie before he picked them up each week...all i can say is "be careful what you wish for as it just may come true"...one day that fat bastard is going to wake up as a gay, asian man, with a thick irish accent!!...

oh yes...i almost forgot...immune...the panic about the H1N1 virus, has reached my little corner of the world too...personally, i think it is just a scare like the last outbreak R2D2....i am puzzled by all these anti- bacterial products....is the anti-bacterial treatment supposed to protect the product?? geez...why would soap need to be protected by anti-biotics? and my favourite purchase...an antibacterial pen!...is that to proctect the pen from me, or me from the pen...now, it's anti viral kleenex...what are you supposed to do with them? just pull them out of the box and rub them all over your body?...i am not afraid of germs...in fact in my household, if something hits the floor, the three seconds rule? god no...if it hits the floor in my little corner of the world, we have the 15 minute rule...if 'the buddha' doesn't get it first....hope i haven't spoiled your appetite....cheers, lulu

it's monday.....

it's monday....i never know whether it's a bright new beginning or a sad ending to the weekend...who figured out this day stuff anyhow...and how do researchers 'know' that you should buy a car made on a thursday, or the best day for surgery is a tuesday....god help you if your appendix bursts on a friday afternoon....

...outside influence creeps in to my little corner of the world at what i consider to be an alarming rate...it started with booze....you could only buy it in the daylight...not any more..and stores and business were closed sundays, with the exception of church and restaurants....it was great...if you were unfaithful like me, you could go and get the best seats anywhere in town while the faithful were in church talking with god...and you knew who was going to heaven and who wasn't, so it was a lot easier to pick out gifts....

....after much contemplation, i finally figured out my decorating style...jurassic...yes, rocks everywhere...looks like a t-rex has walked through the house a few times....you know, there may even be a little bit of neanderthal thrown in there as well...i'm definitely a classic...

...about the rocks...it's true, i do have rocks in my head..but only because they are always on my mind...no wonder my marriage didn't last...to me...rocks know everything, have seen everything and best of all, it takes forever to wear them out...i sleep with rocks (well, now less rocks ~ more dog)...way better than a person..or even a dog for that matter...they don't move around at night, they don't snore, there's no wet spot, and they stay hard forever...ah well, to each his 'stone'...sorry...i'm off to the back forty with 'the buddha'....

photos from my little corner of the world...

life imitates art....or is it art

imitates life

phat tom's folk art....

"i'm hot"....with lulu...

early to bed early to rise...

...early to bed, early too rise...makes jack a dull boy ~ no...makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise...but for women...as a woman and a mother...i have no concept of early to bed, and the early to rise part just comes with bags under my eyes...and wrinkles... another quote from my tommy..."i used to have the face i was born with, now i have the face i deserve!"...in my little corner of the world, we follow the farmer's almanac and daylight savings time...spring ahead, fall back...so even though it's early, and i must admit contemplation involved a bottle of red wine, i am still chipper this am....or not!!

...the red wine inspired deep sleep and vivid dreams..one dream involved the best and worst theme songs....for smoky the bear, 'come on baby light my fire' or 'smoke gets in your eyes'....for sybil, 'i get by with a little help from my friends'...the birdman of alcatraz, 'i am like a bird'...neil armstrong, 'fly me to the moon'...elvis, '(sleep)walking in memphis'...fed ex, 'signed, sealed, delivered'...swanson's tv dinners, 'salsbury hill'...god, 'have a little faith'....captain hook, 'one hand'...otis elevator company, 'what's going down'...iron chef mario bitalli, 'mama mia'....bc ferries queen of the north, 'S.O.S'....martha stewart, "some one left a cake out in the rain"...